Q: My "Uncle George" died recently. My "Aunt Mabel," Uncle George's wife, is in the hospital right now. She's expected to get better, but the doctors don't know how long she'll be hospitalized. The doctor told my cousin "David" (Uncle George and Aunt Mabel's son) that even when she's able to get out, she will be very weak and will need to go into rehab before she will be able to go home. Also, "Sam," Uncle George's brother, is very ill and won't be able to travel from Oregon for the service.
David talked to me about delaying the memorial, but the problem is that we have no idea how long it will take for my aunt to be able to go to a service. When David asked her what she wanted, she couldn't seem to make any decision; she just wanted David to take care of it. David said she didn't seem capable of making the decision, probably due to her illness and the fact that she let my uncle do all the decision making in their marriage – plus, of course, she's upset about her husband's death.
I suggested that we go ahead with the service, and stream the memorial service to my Aunt Mabel in the hospital, as well as to my Uncle Sam in Oregon. We would have my sister (Aunt Mabel is very close to her and has always thought of her as more of a daughter) in the hospital with her during that time. (My sister has agreed to that.) There would be someone in Oregon supporting Uncle Sam as well.
The problem is that my mother – Uncle George's sister – is totally against this. She thinks it is "sacrilege" to web stream the service. She can't seem to say why, but she's convinced that it is against God's will, just like she thinks I'm against God's will. I have been putting up with this kind of talk since I came out to my mother, 20 years ago. Sometimes I wish she'd just decide not to talk to me, but she seems to want to stay in my life so she can let me know what a sinner I am – as well as reminding me that I am someone who God hates. When she found out that I suggested the web streaming, she said that it was "a knuckle-headed, gay idea!" (She said this in front of other relatives.)
The rest of the family is on-board with the plan to web stream the memorial service. When David explained it to my Aunt Mabel, even she thought that it was a good idea.
I have two questions for you, Jody: How do I get my mother to stop insulting me, especially in front of other people? Do you think it is wrong or crazy to stream a memorial service?
Treated Like Crap
A: Let me answer the easy question first: Of course it isn't wrong or crazy to web steam the memorial service. If it fits for the family, they should go ahead with the plan. You might have David talk to your mother since you and she have larger, personal issues that interfere with the issue of web streaming.
On how to get your mother to stop insulting you: The answer starts with you, not her. You need to respect yourself enough to stop putting up with how she speaks to you. She's had 20 years to get used to and become accepting of you being gay, and she has chosen not to take that path. You, too, have had your part in this by letting her get away with treating you this way.
If you want her to stop, you are going to have to firmly insist on her treating you respectfully. Tell her, in detail, what you mean by this. Then let her know that if she can't do this, you will no longer be a part of her life. That's what it is going to take with her. If you are not ready to do this and stick to what you are saying, then you can expect her to continue to treat you as she's been doing. It's that simple, and that hard. I hope you will do this for yourself; you'll like yourself better.
Do you have any rude, inconsiderate people in your life, at the workplace, in your social group, or in your family? Go to Dear Jody Valley on Facebook for some tips on how to deal with them.
