Q: “Kristen” and I have been together for one-and-a-half years. We have a really great relationship, and I want to keep it that way. My problem is my ex.
First, I need to give you a little history about my ex “Ann” and me. Ann and I were together for nine years. The first few years were good, but around the sixth year things started to go downhill. I won’t go into all the problems we had, but I ended up leaving Ann. Well, I actually left her several times because I kept going back. The third time I was able to break the tie and stay away. Though I was finally able to move on, Ann hasn’t really been able to let go.
Ann is in a relationship, right now – though it has only been about five months, and they don’t live together. (She was in a short relationship with another woman for several years before this present relationship.) So, you would think that Ann had moved on as well, but as I said, she really hasn’t.
Ever since I left her, she has been drunk-texting me. There have been periods of time when she’s not done it much, but she’s never really stopped for more than a month, I’d say. However, it seemed to get worse when I got together with Kristen, and lately it has gotten much worse. Like, it’s almost every weekend. I really don’t think she’s an alcoholic, at least she wasn’t when I was with her. I think she just gets a drink or two under her belt and that releases her desire to connect with me. On several occasions she has sent pics that were sexual.
As you can imagine, Kristen doesn’t appreciate this – nor do I for that matter. I started out by not telling Kristen, but she found out and was enraged. I keep telling Kristen that I can’t do anything about it, and I can’t. Kristen knows how often I went back to Ann and she thinks that maybe there is still something between us. There is not! Ann is no good for me, and I’m very happy to have broken the connection with her.
Kristen and I have had a few fights about this. I’m writing you, now, because we just had another fight. Last night Ann sent a text and a very suggestive picture. (She was in the bathroom of a bar – one that we used to refer to as “our bar.”)
How do I get Ann to stop her drunk-texting, and how do I get Kristen to understand that I don’t want, nor like, Ann’s interference in my life?
A: Your having returned to the relationship with Ann, several times, might give her hope that you would do it again. I don’t know if you’ve ever told Ann that you don’t appreciate her drunk-texting or hearing from her, but if not, you need to firmly let her know that you are no longer interested in her and are happy with your current relationship. So, if you’ve not done it, send her a message that it is over between the two of you and request she not send anymore texts. However, as you are well aware of, you don’t have any control over her behavior. So, if that doesn’t work, you might check with your phone carrier to see if you can get your phone number changed.
As far as Kristen is concern, if she sees you doing these things, it should assure her of your intentions. But also, Kristen needs to understand that you can’t control what Ann does. If she can’t understand that – and you’ve made every effort to get Ann to stop her behavior – then you’ve got a problem with your relationship with Kristen. And that’s a whole different problem, one dealing with trust.
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