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Pet Reparative Therapy

By | 2013-11-07T09:00:00-05:00 November 7th, 2013|Opinions, Parting Glances|
Parting Glances

I received an e-mail from a conservative group calling itself Balaam’s Ass of America (after the OT story of the fabled talking mule), asking for a five-buck, tax-deductible contribution “on behalf of gender confused pets in need of prayer and reparative therapy.”
A donation “entitles me to a subscription to Lost Sheep newsletter, an option to adopt an ex-gay pet (‘Bonobos are popular among Southern Baptists this year’), and the gift of an electric shock collar with rhinestone letters, Ex-Gay Pet.”
Providing LGBT pet owners with insight into BAA’s plan for saving Catholic, Protestant, ReBiblican petdom from, “rampant homosexual animal domesticity: the twin scourge to pet neutering,” I share the following.
“Dear Faith-Based Partner of Straight Animals of America! The cunning Serpent from the Garden of Eden is again predatory! Lesbian swans are turning up in Boston. Cutesy gay penguins are swishing about in New York City zoos. Same-sex chimps are devotedly grooming each other (and worse!) in Royal Oak, Michigan.
“If that isn’t a howling shame, here’s gay animal agenda propaganda (obviously a bear-faced lie) from the Oslo (Norway) Natural History Museum: ‘Homosexuality has been observed for more than 1500 species, and is well documented for 500 of them.’
“Baa humbuggery! In the beginning there never was any same-sex hanky panky on Noah’s Ark (though incest may have been tried, but only because of overcrowding, boredom, or lack of Gentile standup comics).
“Yes, Dear Friend: Same-sex animal distraction today is the result of satanic technologies: 1) worldwide use of cellphones with their high-frequency wave lengths altering DNA patterning and Christian missionary positioning, and 2) rampant i-POD proliferation, covertly changing animal and – most importantly – human mating calls. (The problem can be overcome by broadcasting more Christian Hip Hop/Hard Rock and by writing to Sarah Palin.)
“BAA encourages all born-again animal lovers (and who among us doesn’t own, or know someone who does, a pit bull, a ferret, or a de-perfumed PC skunk?) to contact senators and congressmen demanding that LGBT, left-wing subversives be legally stopped from owning canines (especially poodles), felines (alley cats for sure), horses (riding side-saddle’s a sin). Or gerbils.
“$2.50 of subscriber donation goes to building a BAA Center for Four-Legged Reparative Therapy (domestic and feral). Our Protestant Evangelical Treatment of Animals (PETA) – like that for human ex-gays – consists of prayer, celibacy (chastity belts are discrete and kosher designed), ALPO-fasting, and a period of confinement in a soundproof, fully holy-water-blessed cage or litterbox of choice – no cellphone or i-POD interference – for anywhere from last leg-hump up to 10 years (whichever comes first).
“Because: 1) gay animals are coming out everywhere, 2) pets are being coerced into leading a gay lifestyle at an alarming rate (one wonders if even the stately GOP elephant is safe), and 3) treatment space is limited, BAA also urges America’s biblical role models to adopt a gay animal (12 rams are ready for home schooling in time for New Year’s), to pray over, and sexually reorient same. (Last suggestion optional.)
“Think your own Christian pet might be gay? Don’t panic. It’s just a phase. Amen Arf!”

About the Author:

Charles Alexander