As holidays go, Halloween is undoubtedly the gayest. It’s the one time of year where homos can pretend they’re hetero, straight boys step out in short skirts, and grown women turn every respectable profession they can think of into slutty versions of their former selves.
Of course you can head to your local costume shop and pick up a played-out, plastic-wrapped outfit, but we know you better than that. That’s why we’ve compiled this comprehensive list of the most topical, haute and hilariously gay-friendly Halloween costumes of 2014. From hairy howlers that roam the night to John Travolta’s most memorable characters, this year’s hottest TV shows, news stories and pop-culture juggernauts are now the must-wear, one-night disguises of the season.
1. Early 20th Century Underbutler
You don’t have to blackmail your blue-blooded undercover lover to play the part of Thomas Barrow – the conniving gay underbutler on the sharp and soapy PBS period drama “Downton Abbey” – this Halloween. Dress to impress both nobles and peasants without dropping too much dough by assembling your post-Victorian-era attire from thrift shops and consignment finds. Pleated black trousers and a crisp band-collar button-down lay the foundation for this outfit that’s completed with a white bowtie, U-shaped satin vest and tuxedo tailcoat. Part your full head of hair on the side (or don a bowler hat) and puff on a fag (the British term for cigarette; not whatever you’re thinking) to fully embody the baddest bitch in Grantham House.
2. “Dancing with the Stars” Contestant
Aaron Samuels (Cady Heron’s crush in the insta-gay-classic “Mean Girls”) played it straight at North Shore High School, but his real-life alter ego – sometimes actor Jonathan Bennett – has had the Internet abuzz about his sexuality since the film’s release in 2004. Now that JB and his twinkle toes are back in the spotlight on the couldn’t-be-gayer “Dancing With the Stars,” there’s no better time to pay homage to the guy who may or may not have (he’s not officially out) already broken a million girls’ (or boys’) hearts. To pull off this light-on-your-feet look, tango your way into a brightly colored button-down, an equally-loud-but-contrasting satin skinny tie, black slacks, black suspenders, and the snazziest tap shoes you can find. Because you never know when the rhythm is gonna get you.
3. ‘Teen Wolf’
It’s hard to put your finger on the queerest thing about MTV’s “Teen Wolf” – the quiver-inducing howls, the rampant homoeroticism, Colton Hayne’s Instagram profile – but that just makes pulling together pieces for this costume all the easier. You can go as protagonist Scott McCall (played by self-professed Gindr user Tyler Posey), or you might prefer sticking to your own kind as Danny Mahealani (Keahu Kahuanui), Beacon Hills High’s out-and-proud lacrosse player/computer whiz. Suit up in authentic lacrosse gear that you can find at a second-hand sports store (or by pilfering through your cousin’s super bro-y wardrobe) and work your makeup magic on a canine bite for the ages – which we know you wouldn’t mind getting legit if you lived in their world.
4. The Cast of ‘Looking’
However you feel about HBO’s “Looking” (viewer reviews were staunch and varied when it premiered at the top of this year), showing up at a party as the show’s cast is not only tres chic this Halloween, it’s also perfect for a coordinated group costume. You’ll have to pull up past episodes (which you can watch on demand) to get a better idea of each character’s personal style, but you’ll likely discover that you can recreate their looks from your own wardrobe. Tack on a commitment issue or two and throw in a penchant for threesomes for posterity’s sake, and you’ve got the looks down pat. Do us all a favor though, won’t you? Post photos of your group’s Russell Tovey; the world needs more of that going around.
5. Dallas Cowboys Fan
Given the staggering amount of negative publicity that the NFL has received this season (thanks to woman beaters, child abusers and drunken drivers), it should consider itself lucky that the gays are finally getting in on the game. And it seems that no team is embracing its friendly neighborhood homosexual makeover more than the Dallas Cowboys. First there’s the addition of defensive end Michael Sam to the roster, but there’s also a new DirecTV Sunday Football commercial depicting a gay couple – one of whom is a Cowboys fan – that has largely flown under the radar. Give the latter the relevance it deserves this All Hallow’s Eve by pulling together whatever Dallas gear you can find (and convincing your boo to sport a Giants jersey) while trying your best to avoid a brush with the law. A night in the slammer only sounds good in theory.
The East German transgender singer with an “angry inch” between her legs experienced somewhat of a renaissance this year as actors Neil Patrick Harris, Andrew Rannells, and Michael C. Hall all stepped into the punk-rock role on Broadway. And now you too can milk John Cameron Mitchell’s cash cow for your own benefit by raiding your wacky Aunt Barb’s closet for late ’70s/early ’80s-inspired fashion, BeDazzling a pair of cutoff Daisy-Duke-style denim, and rockin’ a sick ‘Hed’-wig that you can score on Etsy.
7. Lovechild of Jared Leto and Justin Theroux
There’s been a sizeable amount of buzz about what’s beneath Jared Leto and Justin Theroux’s respective boxers lately – and nobody’s complaining. Justin gave us full-frontal floppage in a few jogging scenes on his very violent and ultra-strange HBO drama “The Leftovers,” while the ghost of Jordan Catalano will not be satisfied until he’s officially crowned Biggest Cock in Hollywood. And for this, they both should be celebrated. To imitate these forces of nature yourself, mash-up the pair’s signature styles (Justin’s into leather; Jared is a little more “la boheme”) and stuff a swingin’ Richard down your crotch. Even better if you’ve got the natural goods so you don’t disappoint the evening’s potential paramour(s).
8. Any John Travolta Character
Oprah’s dear John will deny that he’s a “Golden Girls”-watching, Folsom Street-walking, magic-hair-growing, happy-ending-loving friend of Kevin Spacey’s until the day he dies, but he has given us nearly 30 years’ worth of iconic characters that we can pilfer for Halloween getups – and that’s gotta count for something. Which Travolta character will strike your fancy this year? Vinny Barbarino? Tony Manero? Danny Zuko? His cringe-worthy Edna Turnblad? Whatever poison you pick, kindly keep it in your pants. Unless, of course, you’ve got enough paper to pay that boy off.
9. Delusional Reality Star Brother of Mediocre Pop Star
This summer’s season of “Big Brother” was a breath of fresh air (thanks to gratuitous displays of rock-hard flesh being flaunted around the house for three glorious months), especially when you consider what a homophobic and racist disaster last season was. And in keeping with traditional reality-show formula, there was one over-the-top gay in the latest cast who just had to go and ruin it for the rest of us on a thrice-weekly basis on the most watched network in America. Frankie Grande, the ironically removed-from-reality “media mogul” (yes, that’s actually what he calls himself), spent the entirety of his time on the show prancing around the house, pining for every smidge of bromo affection he could get by forcibly invading their personal space, and generally being an all-around despicable human being who wasn’t afraid to take the wheel of the bus that he was about to throw you under before he backed up and finished the job. Oh, and did we mentioned that he’s the half-brother of so-so pop star Ariana Grande? Don’t worry, he won’t let you forget that part. Immortalize this walking, talking caricature this Halloween by frosting your tips hot pink, slipping into a pair of too-short shorts, layering a sequined faux-fur-collar vest over an American Apparel T-shirt, and flashing double sideways peace signs until you’ve effectively hypnotized your straight crush into questioning his sexuality. (Uh huh. Some guys have all the luck.)