I think we all know that Starbucks is a little, well, gay. I mean, they sell drinks like the Gingerbread Latte, Peppermint Mocha, and the Frappuccino (which is the gayest coffee drink name ever). Not to mention the fact that the company supported marriage equality in Washington state. And rumor has it they flew a rainbow flag over their headquarters once.
So, yeah, Starbucks obviously is anti-family and a terrible, terrible place. If you’re a backwards World Net Daily-loving idiot. Which just means more Starbucks for LGBT folks and their friends. Hooray! Everybody else can get their coffee from a seldom-washed coffee pot in their church basement. The end. No harm, no foul.
I mean, unless Starbucks became, oh, I don’t know, a breeding ground for Ebola. But no one would claim such a crazy thing.
No one except Pastor James David Manning, that is. Manning, of the ATLAH Worldwide Missionary in Harlem, has some pretty interesting theories about Ebola, homosexuality, and Starbucks, specifically how the three go together like pumpkin+spice+latte.
In an episode of The Manning Report, Manning claims that he is on “Ebola watch,” an says that Starbucks is the Ground Zero for the disease because of its “clientele,” which Manning identifies as “generally upscale sodomites who frequent Starbucks [and] sit there with their computers.”
“It’s a meeting place, they exchange a lot of body fluids or hands shaken and contact,” he say, sounding not at all like a crazy person.
“I am now … warning people to stay away from Starbucks if you don’t want to get Ebola,” he says, “because a large number of the sodomites and the LGBT crowd that usually, and continue to, approach the idea of sex, intercourse, and dating on a lower, less visible, less social scale because of the nature of what they want to do and who they are. And the reason why they’re fighting so hard to get public recognition and legality for what they’re doing is so they don’t have to stoop to all of these dark alley measures that they have to seek out for having sex.”
If that hurt your brain to read as much as it hurt mine to transcribe, let me break it down for you: Homos lurk at Starbucks seeking out clandestine sex, giving each other Ebola. Okay? And this will only stop if gays get their relationships legally recognized. Although it is not clear what will happen after that, though from what Manning is saying it looks like gays will then stop lurking in the shadows and just start Ebola-sexing out in the open. Probably.
Manning goes on to say that this is all Obama’s fault because he was born in Kenya. And that furthermore Obama wants everyone in America to get Ebola so that he can declare martial law.
Oh, and Manning adds, “Remember, I told you back in 2007 that Obama was a homo.”
Keep in mind, this is the guy who posted on the sign outside of his church: “Jesus would stone homos. Stoning is still the law.” So we know he’s the real deal.
So if Manning is warning the completely insane to stay away from Starbucks, then, really, Starbucks is apparently the place to be. So go sit there with your computer and have a Pumpkin Spice Latte. For freedom.