Parting Glances: Getting Oral For Jesus

For every plus action, there's an unequal and contrary minus reaction. It's called the Castor Oil Law of Physics.
Case in point. Word comes from the Washington, D.C. based Family Ex-Cathedra Council that a Thanksgiving Day protest is planned at each of the nationwide 1,430 schools and 146 colleges that took part in the 2014 "Day of Silence" in support of LGBT equal rights.
Says Peter A. Priggon, FECC spokesperson, "When gays and their supporters go silent, we get vocal. At first we wanted to call our protest, 'A Day of Speaking Out,' but for strategy reasons, we decided to called it, 'A Day of Going Oral.' That's our ecumenical motto.
"Our plan's simple as the collective noses on unsaved LGBT faces. Ex-Gays will visit high schools and colleges with bullhorns, taking daylong turns reading from Deuteronomy and Leviticus. (Zealous Exs will bullhorn in Septuagint Greek – but only on campuses with law schools, graduate social work departments, gay frats and lesbian car – and U-Haul pools).
"If we can get college deans and football coaches to participate, there'll be a mock 'stone in' with symbolic day-old hot cross buns. The problem is that too many faculty members are morally lax about taking time off for important family values action.
"As for college deans, well, the less said about these Darwinian, secularist, egghead basket cases the better."
According to an FECC mole, A Day of Going Oral almost didn't get off the ground. This courageous, anonymous whistle blower – a covert member of America's 10,000-member-strong Dykes for Jesus – reports, "Planners argued for days over which version of the Bible to use.
"Six wanted the King James Version. Four wanted the Re-Revised Standard Version. Others wanted The Prosperity Thinkers Bible, the X-Rated New Testament, the Weight-Watchers Annotated Old Testament, the Douay Bible and, a few of the FECC more militant members, The Marching As To War Scofield Bible (with maps of the Holy Land).
"The King James lost. Plain and simple. Probably because he was a fag," says Michigan FECC Southern Baptist Rev. Dillwort Twelvetubbs, when contacted by BTL.
"The whole thing's blown out of proportion," shrugs FECC spokesperson Priggon, in a recent Fox U News TV interview. "If 83 percent of these gays kids are verbally zapped, so what? Give them earplugs or earmuffs. Hey, sticks and stones, and hot cross buns!
"As for the 41 percent of teens who just might get upset, and the 21 percent percent who just might get verbally kicked in the saggers, so to speak, tell them to carry a Bible in their left behinds. That'll keep them out of harm's way (as long as it's not the King James Version).
"One more thing: let them repent on lunch hours. It's good for the soul and for digesting those gawdawful government subsidized, saltpeter french fries and prunes.
"If the 10 percent of teens who are 'that way' were home schooled or, better still, locked up in the attic or an actual closet, there'd be no problem. It's eye-for-an-eye; tooth-for-a-tooth. That simple. America, Wake Up! It's our buns or theirs."