Good news, Jews. Former Arkansas Governor and Fox TeeVee host Mike Huckabee isn't going to force you to sell "bacon-wrapped shrimp" in your delis when he becomes President of the United States of Christmerica. He won't make you sell bagels and lox to cater some icky homosexuals' pre-wedding brunch, either, if that offends your religious sensibilities. (He probably also hopes you'll come around and become Jews for Jesus, but no big deal, right?)
Now don't misunderstand. Huckabee doesn't have anything against gay people. After all, he has gay friends. No, really. He wrote it in "God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy," out now in hardcover. I haven't read it, mind you, but I'm assuming it's a cookbook.
"People can be my friends who have lifestyles that are not necessarily my lifestyle. I don't shut people out of my circle or out of my life because they have a different point of view," Huckabee said during a Feb. 1 interview with CNN's Dana Bash. "I don't drink alcohol, but gosh — a lot of my friends, maybe most of them, do. You know, I don't use profanity, but believe me, I've got a lot of friends who do. Some people really like classical music and ballet and opera — it's not my cup of tea."
You see? Being gay is just having "a different point of view." Can't Huckabee and his homo friends just agree to disagree that said homo friends deserve the same rights that their hetero friend Huckabee has? Can't his homo friends just enjoy listening to opera and classical music while watching ballet and drinking tea in peace?
"I'd like to think that there's room in America for people who have different points of view without screaming and shouting and wanting to shut their businesses down," Huckabee continued. "What worries me in this new environment we're in, it's not just that someone might disagree, they don't want to argue with me, even take a different point of view. They want to close someone's business down."
See? Huckabee wants to play nice, but the gays keep shoving their gaydom down everybody's throats and forcing businesses to shut down all over the country. If gays would just stop screaming and shouting about businesses discriminating against them then everything would be fine. You want a cake, homo? Make your own gosh darn cake! Because Jesus!
Because there's nothing sadder than a poor baker or photographer or whathaveyou having to shut their doors just because they broke the law by refusing to serve a couple of queers. That's way sadder than being a same-sex couple humiliated by discrimination while trying to plan their wedding.
Mind you, if it were up to Huckabee, that wedding wouldn't be happening in the first place. And don't expect him to change his mind any time ever.
"This is not just a political issue. It is a biblical issue. And as a biblical issue, unless I get a new version of the scriptures, it's really not my place to say, OK, I'm just going to evolve," Huckabee said.
But he's right about one thing. Marriage equality is not "just a political issue." Whether or not same-sex couples have legally recognized relationships is a real-life issue that matters to actual human beings. Huckabee has either lost sight of or doesn't care about that, even though he claims he "has gay friends." Sounds like a pretty shitty friend to me.
