Wrong Stall, Right Poo

Charles Alexander
By | 2015-02-26T09:00:00-05:00 February 26th, 2015|Opinions, Parting Glances|

Parting Glances

This from Waccoff, Texas. Source: Lone Star Police Gazette & Badge Polisher. Headline: Under Cover Cops Make Sunday Surprise Restroom Arrests! Mark your activist desk calendar…
“While thousands of church members were inside the Hallelujah Handclap of Hope mega church tabernacle singing ‘Love Lifted Me,’ some six weeks of undercover police work came to a head in Waccoff last Sunday.
“Ten gay men were arrested. Each was sitting in the wrong church stall at the wrong time. Arrests were made without drawing undue attention to offenders, each escorted from the church property in either a covering choir robe or baptismal gown.
“Those arrested were fortunately proven to be 21 at the Waccoff Police Headquarters, once their respective collected wallets, IDs, pants, shirts, under garments and appendage prothesis rings were sorted and matched to individual surveillance camera configurations.
“The match-up process took just under three hours, in part due to asking each arrestee an important theocratic question to determine whether or not a violation of the HHH’s posted men’s restroom biblical restriction occurred.
“Those arrested were advised that they had a right to refuse to divulge status vis-a-vis the unequivocal sanctioned use of the restroom facility, which is clearly marked in large English Gothic letters ‘SAVED’ in contradistinction to another similar facility 50 feet away marked plainly ‘UNSAVED.'”
(There are similar restrooms throughout the twenty floors of the mega church itself. Many Waccoff gas station pumps are also Saved/Unsaved equipped. Self-service gasoline units are likewise marked.)
“Rev. Delburt B. Windwiper, HHH pastor, when contacted on the QT by Lone Star reporter Lois Lane-Kent, commented, ‘I don’t see how they have a p–ing leg to stand on. You’re either saved or you’re unsaved.
“‘This certainly isn’t discrimination in God’s sight. If you’re going to hell, well, you’re going to hell, no matter what restroom you happen to frequent, and for whatever the burning urgency, either number one to pee or two, to poo.
“‘I want to make it abundantly clear. We — that is, our HHH board of directors, our financial banking investment team, our health store employees, our senior citizens retirement association, our American chain of Bible trinket shops, our Hallelujah Marching Band, our Volunteer Rifle/Hand Gun Guard, all 5,000 HHH members — don’t discriminate.
“‘Our members include blacks (at last count three), Mexicanos (eight, all with appropriate Green Card), Jewish converts (two), assorted others (probably in the neighborhood — maybe a less affluent one at that — of 12).
“‘We tried to include gays (balcony last two rows, or parking lot broadcast), but look what happens. Six months ago, it was brought to board attention that these gays were being bold as brass in using restrooms they had no business using. Not one of the ten is saved. If you’re not SAVED, it would stand to reason that you’d use the UNSAVED restroom, which by the way is just as clean, although the Bible-verse paper towels and Ten Commandment toilet rolls therein aren’t blessed.'”
Police charge brought against the bathroom intruders is “disorderly conduct for staging so-called weekly ‘nude-in’ protests with occasional Gospel Tract toilet clogs to affect status change of perceived discrimination in the use of a necessary adjunct to optimal daily good health and mental well being of unsaved persons.”
Note in passing: Restrooms at MCC-Detroit are not similarly marked. Still! To be on the safe side of salvation, check neighborhood Ferndale and Royal Oak gas pumps. (Keep rainbow choir robe handy.)

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Charles Alexander