Don't you hate it when you wake up one day and realize that your entire life has been one long improv sketch masterminded by Satan? You go to sleep totally G-A-Y and wake up the next morning strangling the snake of homosexuality (and that's not a euphemism. Or is it?).
If you're an LGBT person and you haven't had this experience yet, just wait. On Feb. 28, ex-lesbian Linda Wall posted a handy step-by-step guide to learning that your big gay life is just a big gay lie on BarbWire.
Step one: Pray.
Step two: Get some garbage bags.
Step three: Clean out a scary basement.
Step four: Gay no more.
All for the low, low price of hating yourself.
Wall's column has the very subtle title of "Satan and the GLBT Demons" (which would be a cool name for, like, an avant-garde drag troupe that threw amazing Halloween parties). In it she makes an airtight argument linking homosexuality and Satanism.
"Ask yourself who would take the Creator's 'rainbow in the sky,' a promise to mankind, copy it and make it the logo for sexual perversion?" Wall asks. "Who would counterfeit the holy institution of marriage, one man and one woman, and re-write it to mean men can marry men, and women marry women? Who would dare challenge God's creation of male and female and offer the use of chemicals and sex surgery so some can masquerade opposite of their birth sex?"
I really want to answer these questions with, "The Candy Man can," even though I know that's not the answer Wall is looking for.
"It is none other than Satan himself," Wall writes.
Then she goes into a long story about cleaning vacated rental properties and dreaming of a snake and using 50 gallon trash bags to snuff out her lesbian demons, or something to that effect.
She goes on to claim that her boss, whom she describes as "an owner of an art gallery" and a preacher at a Unitarian church (wink, wink), would invite her to attend seances at his house "where the windows were painted black."
She adds, "It seemed that every time I turned around, my employer was trying to get me to drink something or eat something that was described as 'good for you.'"
Uh, that means what, exactly? Margaritas and marijuana? Or kombucha and kale? Is there even a difference? It's all very mysterious.
"There had also been an ongoing campaign at the gay bar I frequented to convince me to be hypnotized," she writes. "I had a feeling I had truly encountered the occult."
First, I wondered, "What is it with patrons at gay bars always wanting to hypnotize people?" but then I started seeing Wall's article as a cry for help. Very few of the experiences she recounts take place outside of her own head. Wall has quite the vivid imagination and apparently experienced a break from reality that she's blaming on lesbianism rather than what appears to be some kind of psychosis.
She's promised that there will be a part 2 of "Satan and the GLBT Demons" where she'll share how she "escaped" from lesbianism.
Maybe she'll talk about being a 21-year-old junior high gym teacher having a sexual relationship with a minor, which she blamed on being a "heavy pot smoker."
But, hey, I'm sure it was Jesus and not the looming threat of a felony hanging over her head that "scared her straight" and inspired her to dedicate her life to persecuting LGBT people. The gays should have hypnotized her when they had the chance.
