By Ed English
Mazel tov! Two kindred gays have decided to make it official and get married (as married as they can get in the state of Michigan), and you've been invited to see their love's freak flag fly.
In the gay world, coming to the ceremony is considered the ultimate cosign of a relationship and union. And the invitation arrives with as much pretext as a subpoena – be there or you don't support us and we can no longer be brunch buddies.
Not to mention every special day has its own special guidelines. Want to make it through a big gay day alive? Here are six essential steps for doing just that.
What to give
On the spectrum of wedding gift ideas, "thoughtful" is the worst. Don't waste your time digging up old mementos. The newlyweds are trying to start a home, not a trash fire.
It's my firm belief that the delivery and style of the invitation should dictate the grandiose of the gift.
If the wedding invite arrives by way of horse and carriage with trumpets and doves then you know you can't afford to be friends with the couple anymore. If it's your standard card with ribbon, a trip to Williams-Sonoma will do. If you get a verbal invite, give them money – they're obviously trying to save money. If you received one of those shitty off-the-cuff invites to their wedding by way of Facebook event, send them one of those equally shitty Facebook gifts. See how they like it!
What to wear
If there's anything I've learned from the pain and punishment of wedding ceremonies, it's that the term "bridezilla" transcends gender. And even more so, if it's a union between two gay men, the last thing you want to do as a guest is piss off the two queens.
Your outfit should be the perfect blend of flash and fun – a rainbow cufflink here, some colorful pinstripes there. Avoid looking like you're paying tribute to the leather bar where the groom and groom met.
And if you have a real diva of a bride or bridegroom on your hands, any outfit that draws attention is simply just a bad idea. Like handling a T-Rex, keep movements to a minimum and just blend.
Sure, weddings have come a long way since the traditional stuffy walk down the aisle. In fact, same-sex weddings are considered "untraditional" – just ask the state of Michigan. Still, breaking away from tradition can be fun. As a guest, you should do it without flash.
Who to bring
Bringing a close friend as your wedding date is a guaranteed way to have a good time. Friends are safe and predictable. They also help you avoid any awkward questions about your real relationship, (such as why haven't you proposed!).
The last thing you want to do at a wedding is to get to know your date. Maybe you've known them for a week, or since last night! Regardless, the absolute last thing a couple wants to do on their wedding day is be introduced to your latest hookup. If this is often your case, let your hookup sleep in and attend the wedding stag. Besides, weddings are the best place to meet more people.
Where to sit
I once found myself at a reception table where all the place cards read "guests." I didn't know anyone at my table except my date and the banquet server who was taking a break to eat. By the end of the night, I was calling the table the island of misfits.
Learn from my mistakes and RSVP as early as possible. Let the wedding party know how excited you are about being invited to their special day. Sometimes, though, all the ass-kissing in the world won't save you from being banished to the "guests" table. Maybe someone in the wedding party doesn't like you or you used to date the groom. In that case, a wedding gift in the form of a gift card will do just fine.
What to drink
It's a wedding ceremony, so why are you drinking like it's a funeral? Don't be that type of guest who came for the free booze. White wines and liquors are for celebrations and darks are for mourning. If your ex is getting married, it's especially important to maintain the veil that your life is in order and to avoid any word vomit (or, for that matter, real vomit).
What to talk about
Your first priority come reception time is to say something nice to the newlyweds. Tell them the ceremony was great or you did not realize the color white came in so many shades.
Keep your mingling with the other guests superficial and avoid these topics: adoption questions, breakups, cheating and politics. Yes, we all have know couples who will have so many elephants in the room on their wedding day that there won't be a place to sit. But as an honored wedding guest, it's your job to not wonder why or how. Like that classical music quartet in "Titanic," just keep playing along even though you know the ship is sinking. Your go-to greeting for anyone's special day should be: I am so happy for them. Even though everyone knows you can't be truly happy for a marriage unless you're married. Just kidding! (Probably.)
