Parting Glances: Save A Dolphin For Jesus

An overly zealous biblically based consortium called Noah's Ark Angels is spending big tax-free bucks providing dolphins with bodysuits to stop that species' penchant for gay activity.
Dolphins are one of 450 animals known to enjoy same-sex cavorting. (One curious exception: that odd-ball Old Testament whale that had a thing for Jonah. Three days of bellying up and down with uncircumcised Jonah proved to be a little too much of a good thing.)
The bodysuits designed by Noah's Ark Angels emit electric AC/DC shocks when proximity or touching occurs between similarly dressed dolphins. The bodysuits are color-coded to show preferred taboo activity. Blue: likes to rub. Green: indulges in beak-genital propulsion. Grey: Ex-gay dolphin. Suits also show glow-in-the-dark Bible verses.
The NAA project was first tried on flamingos, a breed known to be fond of same-sex pairing. Unfortunately, the NAA teams had problems suiting the birds because the flamingos started exhibiting courtship behavior toward three of the thinner men, who fled into the marshes for prayer and pecking order safety.
If things go according to plan, NAA bodysuits will next be provided to giraffes. It's felt that this will curtail "necking" — which can last for hours, with up to five of the big guys rubbing away on each other — and repeated mountings that "just look kinky and funny."
Because female giraffes do not "neck" — they do however bond — they will be spared body suiting. Such suiting involves time-consuming measuring, color coordinating, hand stitching, pinning, padding, huffing, puffing, praise Jesusing, Amening!
Much also depends upon whether a female giraffe is a soft or a hard butch. NAA admits a few boners on that score.
NAA spokesperson, Rev. Parlee P. Pepperpod — with three years duty as a missionary in the African savannah bodysuiting rhinos — warns that "such perceived same-sex carryings on is not biological error because free choice is not an issue for non-English-NT speaking animals.
"That distinction is reserved only for unsafe homo erectus gay/lesbius in an outdoor urban setting. Usually following a barbecue and several Bloody Marys."
"It's important," notes this same NAA moral gamekeeper, "to make the animal kingdom free of any same-sex activity that might set a bad example for families who view animals in zoos, circuses, aquariums, aquatic shows or at Southern Baptist church Halloween Haunted Houses.
"It's just not American to feed peanuts to a gay elephant (unless — hee, hee — he's Republican) is it?"
Predictably, animal rights activists are protesting the whole costly business. They argue that dolphins exhibit loyalty to same-sex partners, often spending a lifetime in committed relationships. (Not that such loyalty counts for anything among rightwing fundamentalist types.)
What's more, gay dolphins take turns guarding a sleeping or wounded lover. They also fight off sharks and other predators. And when one partner dies, the survivor often seeks a new same-sex and monogamous bonding.
Sadly, if Noah's Ark Angels go global in its missionary zeal, no penguin, chimp, skunk, prairie dog, hedgehog, pink poodle or non-spawning trout will be safe.
Pray for 40 days of rain. By the sweet by and by: who did what, with which, to whom when Noah people bashed everybody five thousand years ago?