Back in the late 90s on "Saturday Night Live," Will Ferrell played Neil Diamond in a spoof of VH1 Storytellers. After Diamond has told increasingly incriminating stories related to his hit songs while singing the song "Forever In Blue Jeans," he says, "I put clown make-up on my penis."
In the 17 or so years that have passed since I first saw the skit, I cannot begin to count how often this phrase pops into my head. I can't explain why. But I think about it a lot. And I laugh.
Granted, this isn't directly related to Pat Robertson, except that when I was watching clips of Robertson rambling on about homosexuals on the April 27, 2015 episode of "The 700 Club," I thought of that old SNL skit for some reason.
It is very sad to me that people ask Robertson for advice about anything, but especially for advice about LGBT people.
One viewer wanted help with her daughter who recently came out of the closet.
"She's always been a good Christian," the woman laments. "I've tried to talk her out of it (having a girlfriend) but she simply refuses to give up the LGBT lifestyle. What should I do?"
I'll tell you what you should do: Love your daughter and get over yourself. Try to get to know her girlfriend, even. Invite her to dinner. Help your daughter cultivate love because life is really fucking hard and love is the only thing that makes it bearable, besides drugs.
Robertson's advice is a little different, however. "I'll tell you, you ought to pray very hard. Just let her know you don't approve of it and let her know she's not following the commands of the Lord," he says. "And just pray that God will straighten her out."
Yes. Tell your daughter she's grossing you out. And then ask Jesus if he can flip your daughter's switch from Homo to Hetero. He will totally do it, but only if you "Pray Hard Enough." See how that works out.
"It may be a phase she's going through," Robertson offers. "I mean, a little teenage girl doesn't know what dress she's supposed to wear much less what kind of sex she's supposed to be."
Yes, those poor little teenagers; if their tiny female brains can barely figure out if they are girls or boys, how on earth are they ever going to say yes to the dress?
It's clear who to blame here: the Liberal Media!
"There's so much pressure!" Robertson laments. "There's so much lesbian stuff. I mean, lesbian this, lesbian the other, so much homosexual — the media is pushing this as hard as they can possibly push it."
Yeah. There's so much pressure to be a lesbian these days! So. Much. Pressure. Because of all the lesbian stuff. So homosexual! Much lesbian! The media is all: hey girls, vagina is the new penis! One day you, too, can get gay married!
Robertson then suggests the following: "But you might, I don't know what to do, maybe get her in a camp, a Christian camp in the summer where they are really on fire for the Lord and she'll straighten things out."
First of all, I'd like to point out that the key phrase in that answer is, "I don't know what to do." His answer should have begun and ended there.
Instead, he says, "Just send her to Jesus camp! Her heterosexual fire for the Lord will cancel out the homosexual fire in her loins."
That's the ticket!
And then, if you listen really closely, you can almost hear Robertson mutter something about clown make-up…
