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Hip hip hooray! Marriage equality is the law of the land! Which means that gays and lesbians all over the country can finally do something many of them have been wanting to do for years: force straight people to have sex with them.
Gone are the days where you pined over that dude-bro at the gym or feared that your married (to a man) friend would find out you have a crush on her. It’s Homo Rule now. All bets are off. Let the games begin! And may the odds be ever in gay-favor.
Sounding the alarm for right-wing paranoids everywhere is Tim Brooks, senior pastor of Christian Ministries Church in Hot Springs, Arkansas. Brooks took to the Wall Builders radio show, hosted by Wall Builders founder David Barton who declared that the Supreme Court’s marriage ruling was “unambiguously wrong” and violated “the moral standards specifically enumerated in our founding documents.” So he’s not a fan.
Brooks has some interesting theories, inspired by the stories of the Bible, about what living in America is going to be like now that the gays have taken over.
“Here is the only thing that will satisfy this agenda, and it’s very clear: participation,” Brooks told Barton.
Yes, when it comes to the homosexual agenda, participation is 100 percent of your grade. So get crackin’ heteros.
He referred to the story of Sodom and Gomorrah — you know, the one where a couple of angels go visit Lot’s house and an angry “gay” mob demands that Lot toss his guests to them so that they can do it with them. But Lot’s like, “Nah, have my daughters instead.” And then later Lot’s wife turns into salt, which is the origin story of why Americans use a Lot of salt on our food, I’m pretty sure.
“We want you to come out of your house and participate with us,” Brooks says, speaking for the mob. “Now, as I read this story, Lot never tried to force his lifestyle on them, he never even brought that up. They are trying to force their lifestyle on him … come out and have sex with us, have to participate. They’re going to force participation and, Rick, that’s what we’re seeing around the country.”
He then lists a bunch of places in the Bible where he claims towns are overrun with gay-mob rule. Less clear is where gay mobs are pillaging villages across the country raping people. But heterosexuals will want to check TripAdvisor very carefully from now on.
“It’s unsafe in a city where the homosexual agenda has control,” Brooks says. “It’s unsafe when the homosexual agenda takes over the city.”
Speaking of which, Pride Month must have been a terrifying time for poor Pastor Brooks, what with the homosexuals “taking over” cities across America.
And here you were thinking that gays were helping to revitalize cities across America and driving property values up. The only people that’s unsafe for are the poors, which right-wingers have proven time and time again they don’t care about. Make no mistake, gentrification driving lower-income residents out of their cities is a serious problem. But, hey, who has time to worry about economic inequality when gays are sexing everyone in the city by force? Pretend problems are much easier to deal with.