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Parting Glances: Pitwool, Peter Is 7

He lives with his mommy, Wanda Jean Buttercup. His daddy, Darnell Prince Pitwool. And a dog named Nebuchadnezzar. Nezzar, for short.
Peter's home schooled. Living in Topelulu, Alabama, famed sin-free domain of Lou "Lulu" Seldom's Fracas in the Family Foundation. An America-First town noted worldwide for exporting biblically blessed peanut sandwiches and gluten-free communion wafers.
Little Peter knows his ABCs. Can tell Inferno Red from Damnation Pink. Knows his shapes. Mostly manly. He can — after a fatherly paddling or two — crayon color inside narrow, straight lines. A good child — if perhaps slightly menaced, but nonetheless parentally encouraged — he says his prayers at night. Or else.
"God bless Mommy. Daddy. Little Nezzar. May our misguided President Obama see the light and leave the White House (which it's really not) ASAP (the sooner the better.) Amen!"
The lad is the model/subject of a kiddy book that's sparking a helluva lot of controversy. It's thoughtfully called, "Little Peter Has Two Gay Thrashers," written, illustrated, blessed-oil anointed by Rev. Dred Felch.
Rev. Felch — who raised his own totally obedient, totally Onward-Christian-Soldiers militant, 12 kids to gay thrash, starting with potty training ("as the spirit moves") — says "Thrashers" is written in second grader's Basic Word Vocabulary. Has lots of action pictures. A punchy story line.
"My book's designed to counter the horrific harm done by 'Arthur Has Two Papas,' 'Molly Has Two Mamas,' 'Bruce Has Six Neutered Poodles.' While I'll admit that I'm a no-brainer at religious story telling, I do know how to cast the first stone at fag propaganda.
"I call chapter one, 'Slingshoting Goliath's Gay Agenda.' Other chapters — with content suitable for kids under 5 — are 'Finding Someone Special to Bully,' 'Gay Playmates Won't Go To Heaven' and 'Don't Let Mommy Dress You as A Nun (or Be Friends With A Touchy-Feely Priest).'"
While some gospel reviewers find Rev. Felch's book piously repetitious, the Southern Comfort Baptist Goodness Only Knows Library Journal reports, "The pictures will make a lasting and indelible impression on Christian toddlers."
Two illustrations are singled out for evangelical merit: "Sinful Molly Gets Parboiled" and "Abandoned Arthur Meets the Iron Maiden."
Topelulu's gay activists are upset. They've been secretly checking out copies. Or stealing them. Snarls one, "Rev. Felch can write anything he damn well pleases, but I wouldn't read thrash trash like this — no matter how many Bible quotes it has — to a 5-year-old, even if he or she has his or her own library card."
"I'll admit it's something of a problem," says Topelulu head librarian Priscilla Red-Marker Renfrew, 89. "These gay agenda types have no respect for decent, church-going, fully dunked baptized readers. So far, 25 copies of this simple sentence gem have disappeared. Poof!
"In the interest of fair play, we've taken to keeping 'Gay Thrashers' under lock and key in our Mature Reader's Lounge & Alcove, along with 'Well of Loneliness,' 'Lolita,' 'A House is Not a Home,' and 'Fifty Shades of Gay,' er, 'Grey.'
"As a God-fearing woman who makes every Dewey Decimal count, I'll say this: as Heaven above is my witness, it's to the credit of the Topelulu Freefall Baptist Church — conveniently located where Falwell Street crosses Robertson Avenue at Billy Graham Cul-de-sac — that church's members have lovingly replaced every friggin' gay-agenda swiped copy taken by those fruitcake fags."
"The gospel truth is," says Freefall pastor Emmett K. Monsooner, "those pervy clunkheads don't want anybody, especially kids, to think for themselves. While my church load prevents spending time for a quality, down-home, soul-saving gay trash-in, if others want to do it, it's between them and the Big Guy Upstairs.
"Just don't mess up my choir robes. Speak in LGBT tongues. Or, do it in the pews."

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