Parting Glances: Not Our Hillary, Too!

Ah, the forbidden, secret pleasure of enjoying the sudden — or, the prolonged — misfortune or misery of others.
The Germans — some of whom were experts at creating both intolerable conditions on a worldwide scale — invented a word for it. Schadenfreude. "Harm Pleasure."
Kim Davis pregnant with mixed-media quintuplets? Wow! Serves the — you fill in the blank — right! The pope's return flight delayed for 16 hours because of toilet clogs? Where's God when you need him?
Drop into any drugstore, supermarket, megachurch, and you'll discover to your secret pleasure, your addictive fascination, your pretended temporary alarm — or, your all three — an array of tabloids profiting, five-bucks-a-copy, from American induced Schadenfreude.
October kicks off with headlines from these carved tabloid-toxic pumpkins: National Enquirer ("Cosby Had Son Murdered"); and the National Examiner ("Secrets of the Brady Bunch! Sex, drugs and on-set romps").
Globe — Gentle PG reader, brace yourself — "World Exclusive: Hillary Confesses: I'm A Lesbian." Oh, God, is nothing sacred?
Fame is indeed fleeting. How many under age 35 know about, or care to schadenfreude over, snoopy details: "Mickey Rooney's Shocking Affair with Liz Taylor" (Mickey, who?); "Natalie Wood: Drugged Before She Went Overboard" (Wasn't she married to Robert somebody-or-other?)
Privately I draw the dotted line about my own queenly touch of schadenfreude. It's too close for comfort when stepping on to the down escalator to think about geriatric pictures of Gene Wilder ("Months to Live"); Doris Day ("Plans Her Funeral"); Liam Neeson ("Cancer Fears"); Robert Conrad ("Fading Fast'); Sean Connery ("6 Months to Live!")
But enough of the schaden. Let's cut to the freude. (The reason you've all read this far in my Great Tabloid Pulp Pumpkin PG column.) Globe's World Exclusive take on Hillary. Sub-headlined: "Secret emails reveal her lover … PLUS: Midnight calls to Ellen!"
The cover story explodes, "After 40 years in a sham marriage, Hillary Clinton has confessed, 'I am a lesbian.'"
Source references for what's suggestive of her same-sex orientation date back to when she was a student at Wellesley, a women's liberal arts college, late 1960s. Blame those damned top-secret emails while she was Secretary of State to out Hillary.
According to an unnamed source who talked to one of Hillary's unnamed senior advisors, more than 600 of those electronic messages are to an unnamed woman who goes by the pseudonym of "Alice."
The Globe expose claims the emails are very sexual, very intimate and make it abundantly clear that both Hillary and 'Alice' are, well, you know, lesbians.
Hillary allegedly will uncloset herself soon on Ellen's TV show, preventing Donald Trump "itching to expose her" from jumping the gun with the news and blowing his cool with it.