By Gwendolyn Ann Smith
On Nov. 20, Transgender Day of Remembrance is marked with events, marches, letters from dignitaries and so on. Die-ins are held, walkways are chalked, and in at least one location, city hall is awash in the colors of the transgender flag. As its founder, I'm always surprised and humbled to see the reaction to TDOR every year.
Then it is the 21st of November. The lights change, the sidewalks are trod upon and power-washed and life continues. We are next on a quest for turkeys and cranberries, or black Friday deals as we careen headlong into a holiday season haze. I will often close my remarks on Transgender Day of Remembrance with a variant of a rather well known quote from Mother Jones. I'll say something like, "Today, the 20th of November we mourn the dead. Tomorrow and every day, we fight for the living."
You see, there's one thing I've never talked much about with the Transgender Day of Remembrance. When it started, I had a hope to see it help foster a culture of compassion within the trans community. I've hoped that, by seeing so many murdered at the hands of anti-transgender violence, we'd see just how valuable and precious all of our lives are.
Some days I am unsure if that message is out there. At the TDOR event that I spoke at, two of the speakers felt it necessary to remind those in attendance to treat their siblings in the community with respect. In-between this, one of the main speakers took the opportunity to call out at least one attendee, while also speaking against Caitlyn Jenner.
Jenner has not just been the fodder of speeches, having been discussed negatively within a number of transgender articles and throughout social media. I've seen others have to defend her, or at least her gender identity. Jenner is also not alone when it comes to being denigrated within the very community she very visibly joined in 2015. I think it is fair to note that Jenner's life is a fairly charmed one. She does not have to deal with all I've faced, let alone what everyone named on Transgender Day of Remembrance faced. Yet we have a number of ways we can react, and a number of options for addressing what her and others may or may not be doing.
In the 1990s, the Transexual Menace was a direct action group formed on the East Coast. Even with their provocative and sometimes controversial work on behalf of the nascent transgender community, I still think of one of their slogans: confront with love. In the 20 or so years since they roamed the earth, I feel that we have forgotten how to do such.
So many of us were killed this year, and many others took their own lives. Depression and anxiety runs rife in our community, not only fueled by gender dysphoria, but by the harsh realities of life as a trans or gender nonconforming person in 2015. We may have greater visibility and greater rights, but there's still plenty of hatred, violence and discrimination dished out to each of us.
We should be trying to keep our own community spaces safe and offering support to all within our ranks. Again, this is not to say that people should be above reproach simply for being trans. It does mean that we should all consider carefully if we are calling out a person for their actions or opinions, or if we are simply using the same tools as those used against us, and trying to tear down others in our midst to raise ourselves up.
With us moving into the holiday season — which is itself a very hard time for those of us who have been disowned by family or friends — we should be especially vigilant about those within our community. This is a time to put our hand out and grasp the palms of those in our numbers in need. I recently heard of an initiative from the author of the book "Brave In Ribbons," Holly Maholm. She has started her own program called "Adopt-a-Transgender" for the Christmas season. In short, she is offering herself up as a "Transgender-Adoptive-Parent" to three random transgender folks who reply to her website at http://www.hollymaholm.com. I'll admit, I first felt very unsure of it, but I wish I saw more similar actions. She may save three lives by doing this.
How many lives get saved when we speak ill of each other? When you focus your energies in tearing down others, particularly those who are within your own community, or who may be well-meaning-but-problematic allies, how do they tend to react? Do they change, or do they "double down," fighting you and others, or leaving entirely because of how they were treated? How does this build a coalition, and how does this make our community stronger? Also, how does that make people react to you? I'm not saying the world is a popularity contest, but do you really want to be the person people walk on eggshells around — or outright avoid you — based on how you tend to treat others within the community?
Bottom line: We're not all perfect — I certainly am not — but I think we all want to do right. Unless someone is an absolute bigot and is unwilling to change, then we should welcome the opportunity to reach out, to teach and to make things better. Yelling at people, calling them names or slapping their hands away when what they offer isn't enough for you is not always the best approach. We need to be that culture of compassion, and confront with love.
