If you’re consciously uncoupled (or just got dropped like a bad habit) this Valentine’s Day, make the most of your single status with these eight ways to tell Cupid to shove it.
Drown Your Sorrows in Retail Therapy
Not everybody’s a shopper, but when I’m feeling down retail therapy never fails me. If you have outlet stores in your area, hit those first – you’re sure to score deep discounts given that Presidents’ Day falls on Feb. 15 this year. Otherwise, pop into your local mall or shopping center. Even though spring is just around the corner, this is the time to scoop up winter essentials – like heavy coats, hats, gloves and scarves at near-clearance pricing. Retailers have to make room for new, warmer-weather arrivals, and the winter stuff will be priced to move.
Sweat Out Your Frustration at the Gym
It’s scientifically proven that exercise releases endorphins and other feel-good chemicals into your body, so if Hallmark’s faux holiday has you down, fit at least an hour of gym time into your day to lift your spirits. Use your existing membership, or, if you want to switch up your experience, try out a new facility in your area – maybe even for free if you can cop a one-day pass online – that features a pool, sauna and steam room where you can let go of your stress in more ways than one.
Attend an Anti-Valentine’s Day Event
Anti-Valentine’s Day events have become increasingly popular over the past decade or so (as have dating events if you’re a glutton for punishment), and there are probably quite a few in your area. A quick Google search should produce the results you’re looking for, but you also can tap into neighborhood-specific apps like Nextdoor or go old school and browse the newspaper.
Host a Scary-Movie Marathon With Friends
Oh, the horror! Who needs all those lovey-dovey smooch/snooze-fests to get you down on a day where you’re already on edge? As an alternative, invite over a few of your friends, gather the snacks and screen your favorite scary movies to subconsciously exact your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend revenge. There are several V-Day-themed flicks from which to choose, including “My Bloody Valentine” (both the 1981 original and 2009 remake); “Lovers Lane,” starring Anna Faris; “Hospital Massacre”; and “Valentine,” starring David Boreanaz.
Troll Social Media With Love-Fail Statistics
A friend of mine recently told me that on Valentine’s Day he likes to post sobering marriage and relationship statistics to Facebook to provide all those hand-holding, heart-pounding, PDA-lovers a proverbial kick in the junk – like how infidelity, in one form or another, now affects close to 80 percent of all marriages or committed relationships, according to Examiner.com.
Quell Your Loneliness With Around-the-Corner Company
If you’re feeling particularly lonely on Valentine’s Day, do what you do any other time: Manipulate other people’s loneliness to your advantage. Hop on Grindr, Scruff or the new Bro app and invite over naked company to bury your insecurities about how nobody wants to date you and only strangers want to bang you.
Pour the Wine, Pop a Xanny, and Relax
No legitimate doctor will recommend that you pop a Xanax after you get a good wine buzz going. Ya know – malpractice and all. Lucky for you, I’m not a doctor, so I say go for it! Just don’t go overboard. One and done so there’s no OD on my hands.
Say to Hell With the Whole Day and Do Whatever You Want
There are no rules that say you have to spend Valentine’s Day this way or that way. You do you, boo. Relationship equality – where all those single-day kissy-faces can’t stand the sight of each other the other 364 days of the year – is on the horizon. Ride it out and you’ll be handsomely rewarded.