PARTING GLANCES: Who’s Behind Our Gay Waiters?

By |2016-01-28T09:00:00-05:00January 28th, 2016|Opinions, Parting Glances|

It almost goes without saying, but the world’s second oldest profession is that of the gay waiter. According to U.S. LGBT Census 2015, there are 4 million gay waiters.
While this seems somewhat high as far as this time-honored table serving profession goes, the U.S. ranks fourth, behind India, Australia and the Monarchy of Monaco.
As for big gay-populace cities — New York, Chicago, San Francisco — each clocks in with 350,000 gay waiters. Locally, Ferndale and Royal Oak, of more modest gay mecca status, number only 500 each, many of whom received gay-specific table training at nearby community colleges.
(Course offerings, as listed in one community college catalog, include: Handling Heterosexually Finicky Eaters; Metro-Sexual Outfits to Make A Lasting Gourmet Impression; Wine and European Cuisine Pronunciation; Are Coney Islands A Gay Friendly Career Choice?)
Not everyone is happy politically about America’s seeming over abundance of gay waiters. The American Fundygelical Ass’n, for one, initiated an Easter Week campaign urging restaurant chains not to hire gay waiters.
Called “Turning the Tables On Temptation,” the AFA staged a week-long, round-the-clock sit-in at New York’s popular Off-Broadway All Night 24/7 Beef & Chicken Hawk Bistro.
According to AFA televangelist Dr. Renfrew B. Denser, “Gay waiters are bringing America to its knees. They’re infiltrating traditional meeting places where food and drinks are blatantly seasoned with ‘campy’ Gay Agenda encouragement. Menus are laced with insinuating verbal anti-America saltpeter. Cutesy rainbow umbrellas.”
An article appearing in this month’s AFA’s issue of The Sky Is Falling warns, “Washington. D.C. is being infiltrated. For every congressman or senator in our nation’s capital, there are 22 gay waiters, none of whom, by the way, votes Republican.
“Such open access — especially at the Supreme Court level — is accorded to none of our Christian citizenry; yet gay waiters can go about their nefarious business seemingly unmolested. Rumor has it that it was a gay waiter who first served Congressman Barney Frank a flaming dessert. Look what happened.”
(Note in passing: The Sky Is Falling also carries a full-page advertisement for Dr. Denser’s biblical commentary on a recently discovered Aramaic Gnostic Gospel of Jesus’ time that says Judas Iscariot was a Galilean gay waiter who passionately kissed Jesus in the garden and got a little-too generous tip for doing so.)
How do gay waiters in Ferndale and Royal Oak view these AFA accusations? According to one well-known Nine Mile local restaurant waiter — who knows a thing or two first hand about gay waiters and their superior articulation skills — “It’s been my extensive, albeit modest, experience with gay waiters that they can usually hold their own.
“As a rule of thumb, gay waiters measure up as good breeding types. I’ve found older customers like to be serviced by them. It’s been nothing but positive word of mouth about their legendary efficiency above and beyond the call of duty. They’ve made many a person’s day succinctly stimulating.
“As Ferndale’s beloved table-hopper, former mayor Craig Covey puts it, ‘I never met a gay waiter I wouldn’t tip generously. Twenty percent of the time.'”

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