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Parting Glances: Your Anal Probe, or Mine?

Our benighted Michigan Legislature has in its bedroom, busybody, biblically invasive wisdom recently diddled over wording keeping anal sex — with or without lubrication or condom usage — a felony meriting 15 years in prison. (Where presumably anal sex is nonexistent!)
What can one expect of a collective political, throw-back mentality for whom the Christian missionary position is the be all and — pardon a play on words — the end all of sexual expression?
Somehow in the midst of this insanity that places Old Testament law above America's SCOTUS-validated Constitutional Right to privacy of intimate sexual expressions among consenting adults, married or otherwise, I recall to mind a joke somehow apropos to this discussion.
"A gay man goes to a proctologist for the proverbial finger wave. During the course of that digital manipulation, the doctor feels what he deems to be an intrusive object encased in the well-practiced sphincter of his patient. He deftly removes it.
"It's an 'American Beauty rose.' Stunned, the doctor retrieves another. And another. A dozen! 'Where in hell did these come from?' he asks. 'I don't know,' says the gay man visibly annoyed. 'Wasn't there a card?'"
Of course no one is fooled by the legislative diddling. Nor is it a laughing matter. Their acknowledgment of the now outdated Michigan Sodomy Law is aimed at gay men, lesbians, trans persons and just maybe one or two experimenting — truly disgusting, eternally damned — deviant, unsaved heterosexual adults.
Good Christians know that, say for example, no woman in her right mind would go anal. Or oral. No non-Christian lip service. Ever!
(The Old Testament story of Lot's wife turning into a pillar of salt for looking back at Sodom City is often repeated as a warning. Omitting conveniently the deviant bit about Lot having incest with his daughters.)
Truth of the matter is that anal sex is being increasingly practiced among straight couples: married, unmarried or engaging in polyamorous sexual romps. According to a recent Cosmopolitan article, "Is Everyone Having Anal Without Me?" quoting the Journal of Sexual Medicine: "Forty percent of women, ages 20 to 24, have tried anal sex, up from 16 percent in 1992."
Not that good Christians would ever read Cosmopolitan magazine, the stylist trend setter among smart, sexually savvy women for more than 75 years.
A Google check of recent Cosmopolitan anal sex articles, its joys, its challenges, its prevalence among its 3 million-plus readership includes: "A Complete Guide to Anal Sex"; "Anal Sex Tips From Experience"; "The 10 Biggest Misconceptions About Anal Sex"; "8 Anal Foreplay Tips for Beginners"; and, at my advanced age, a favorite of mine, "I Want to Try Anal Sex: Tips for Newbies."
Typical advice from "A Complete Beginner's Guide to Anal Sex" includes item 10: "If you despise it, never do it again. It shouldn't take a few hellish mounts to finally decide it's not for you. If you hate it, you hate it, and that is fine.
"I didn't hate it, and it was psychologically gratifying to watch my partner's mind being blown. I'd do it again as a 'special' occasion thing, like an anniversary, or Flag Day."
Vogue magazine not to be — pun intended — behind the times offers: "Is Anal Sex No Longer Taboo?"; "The Rise of Anal Sex"; "Anal Sex. Why bend over boning is now in vogue." Vogue's readership: 1,237,939. (Flag Day, anyone?)
Back to a dozen "America Beauty" wilted roses. There was indeed a card. It reads, "We can't fix your Michigan roads. We can't take any blame for poisoning Flint's water. We can't save your damned public schools. But we can bugger, er, bug you!"

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