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Ten years ago, when Facebook was in its infancy and iPhones were but a glimmer in Steve Jobs’ eyes, you had to work hard to be a perv. Now, fulfilling your friskiness is just a flick away, and that’s not exactly a good thing. Social media has taken over our lives, both personally and professionally, and the dark underbelly of our online world is as dank and seedy as a dimly lit bathhouse. As a result, you may very well be a sex addict; here are seven ways to find out.
DM on Twitter and Facebook has gotten you in trouble with your boo
What starts out as innocent “likes” and flirty comments on Facebook and Twitter soon evolves into a deep-see-diving expedition into the object of your burgeoning affection’s profile, left-swiping on the family and milestone photos but holding steady on the shirtless-vacay jackpot. Eventually one DMs the other in an attempt to push the boundaries of social-stranger etiquette – even though you know you shouldn’t – until a sordid relationship of sexts and sweet-nothings arises. Which is all well and good if it’s as innocuous as you say it is, but your partner doesn’t believe you when you get caught (as well he shouldn’t since you’re being dishonest), and therein lies your problem – likely one of many.
You spent way too much time on Grindr
Thanks to social media – and very specifically Grindr with regards to our gay community – most of us have developed not only a need but, more dastardly, an affinity for 375-feet-away validation and instant gratification. You open the app every 15 minutes to see if someone new has pinged you or, hopefully, that brick-bodied bro you’ve got your eye on has finally responded to your “Sup?” Friday and Saturday nights? Forget about it. What were once bastions of freedom and nightlife exploration have devolved into afternoon-to-evening-long sessions of sitting on the couch surfing headless thumbnails while Netflix plays in the background as you consistently turn down the so-sos and frequently get rejected or ignored by the more-sos. It’s cyclical, and you can’t quit it – until you hit it, that is (and you’re almost always compromising, which makes the whole situation even sadder), ultimately ushering in a brief respite before ending up back at square one a few hours later.
When there’s a Grindr outage you turn to Scruff
Gay Twitter loses it collective mind when Grindr experiences an outage, like it did recently – at least on the West Coast (and during the Palm Springs White Party, no less) – driving hordes of Grindr loyalists to other apps like Scruff to fulfill their insatiable desires. If you find yourself in a cold sweat, clamoring to connect nakedly with somebody – _anybody!_ – nearby when the Grindr gods throw down the gauntlet, it’s probably high-time for reflection… and confession.
You’re really on Instagram for the man-butts
You’re kidding yourself if you think you’re on Instagram for the sweeping views and vistas of other people’s getaways, pics of kittens and your BFF’s brunch plate. Real talk, you’re there to scroll through the endless images of the buffed-out, swole-up models and meatheads you daydream about tossing you around like a rag doll. If you follow @seductionboys, @themuscleleague or @datbubblebutt, you might be a sex addict.
You bookmark YouPorn more than any other website
We all have a handful of super-hot vids saved that are our go-tos. But if you’ve got them bookmarked on your phone or computer so you can have them at the ready whenever you’re ready – and they outnumber the more relevant and G-rated content you have stored – it’s time to pull up your pants, put the devices away and introduce yourself to the real world again.
We can all agree that Snapchat exists to share dick pics
A friend of mine asked me a few months ago if I’m on Snapchat. My response? No, because I’m not a 17-year-old kid trying to sext undercover. I’m grown, and when I send you my dick pic you get to keep it forever – because I’m confident like that. But I digress. My point that Snapchat is strictly for younger Millennials and high-schoolers to trade nudies with no cyber trail (even though that’s inaccurate) is proven by this appropriately worded statistic from research firm Martin-Wilbourn Partners: “Snapchat is now the third most popular social app among Millennials, with a 32.9 percent penetration on the demographic’s mobile phones, trailing only Instagram (43.1 percent) and Facebook (75.6 percent).”
You visit Tumblr for celeb nudes and homemade sex tapes
Does anybody even understand Tumblr? I don’t – except when I’m googling a celebrity’s junk or looking for amateur porn (because watching normal people do it as awkwardly as I do is comforting). That’s really all Tumblr is good for. Anybody who tries to tell you differently is either a liar or a 13-year-old girl, or probably both.