Parting Glances: Hare Today, Gonads Tomorrow

Charles Alexander
By | 2016-10-20T09:00:00-04:00 October 20th, 2016|Opinions, Parting Glances|

“Your problems can be solved with this box of amazing cure-alls,” hOOty hOOted Exodus P. Barn Owl, Q.D., shoving a package of Miracle Elastics, Assorted Colors, Funny Farm, LTD., across his polished oak-apple desk to Reginald Rabbit, referral cotton tail patient number 583.
“They’re color coded,” added Dr. Exodus, blinking his big hypnOOtic eyes behind his horned-owl-rimmed glasses, and grandly aye-fluttering his fine feathers.
“Pink’s for mania — your obsession with chasing after hares. Red’s for over stimulation — your premature ejack-rabbitulation. And orange is for those hip-hop thoughts that get you tossed into Mr. MacGregor’s briar patch. The sOOner you start snapping, Reggie, my boy, the better. Call me Barney.”
Reginald Rabbit wiggled his cottony tail, crinkled his pinky nose, and hummed softly, “I trust you, Barney. Barney, I do.”
“You’re a southpaw, so put the Miracle Elastic on your right wrist. Elastics come in different widths. The thinner, the sharper the sting. You’ll need a sting that’s sharp as a wasp but not as sharp as a bumble bee.”
“I don’t suppose a hornet sting would do the trick,” asked Reginald, who thought he knew a thing or two about things horny, tricking and getting stung.
“Tut. Tut. Tut. You shouldn’t be lOOking for the easy way out,” hOOted Dr. Exodus. “With these elastics you’ll get 500 snaps each. That’ll get you through the day without wanting to bunny hop in the bramble every hapless hare you fancy.”
“I advise you to change rubbers, er, elastics at bedtime,” the redoubtable shrink continued. “That way, should you be aroused by an off-color dream of misbehaving in Mr. McGregor’s briar patch, you’ll get around-the-clock protection of the Barn Owl Queerly Doctors Association, never-fail, pre-scare-a-tOOty-therapy.”
“How hard should I snap, Barney,” asked Reginald, wanting to make sure the cure, for which he emptied two piggy banks, would work. “Light, medium, hard or zippy-do-dah-that-hurts-like-heck?”
“The harder, the better. Oh, yes: here’s a ginger snap-happy tip. If you see a lively hare that really gets your tail in a twitter, snap with a Sky Blue elastic. There’s twelve to a box.”
“Sky Blue?”
“Yes. For holy-roly-poly reinforcement. Hare-raising thoughts can be banished forever with these power-of-positive-thinking whippersnappers. Remember: If things get too hare-ooh-ing: Be true. Go Blue.”
“I’ll try anything, Barney, if only I can hide Easter eggs without feeling guilty. How long does this pre-scare-a-tOOty-whatever take?”
“I can’t say for sure — it’s not professional — but I’ve seen hare-raising changes in 12 snappy months. And do wear long sleeves. Bruises can cause gossip from starlings, crows and magpies. (Ding bats all!) When you’ve worn out these magic elastics, come back for another box. Ten percent discount.”
Whereupon Dr. Exodus P. Hoot Owl shut his big OOs and — straight as an arrow — fell asleep, dreaming of mice, rats, delectably fat, but rarely obtainable, voles.
Reginald Rabbit took the Miracle Elastics, chose a Sky Blue one, slipped it next to his Mickey Mouse watch, and snapped it hornet strength, then hopped hopefully and gaily into the glen to pick daisies.
“Well, Reggie, are you still having thoughts about humping hares instead of jumping rabbits?” asked Dr. Exodus P. Barn Owl one year, seven days, four hours, three minutes later.
“I’m afraid so,” answered Reginald sheepishly. “I’ve snapped — snapped so many times my wrist’s gone perfectly limp. Say! What’s up, doc? I’d like my money back.”
“Well, isn’t that a hOOt,” said Dr. Exodus, staring blankly into space. “Sorry, Ex-Patient Cotton Tail Number 583. There’s no refund for hare brains like you.” (OO!)

About the Author:

Charles Alexander