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A concerned group of Log Cabin gay men — presumably all tie-dyed-in-the-Woolite Republicans — who voted for Donald Trump — are very worried that their presidential choice has doomed their collective chance of obtaining Heaven and eternal salvation.
These Log Cabin gays — who number about 250 and live mostly in borderline blue states with red state redemptive theocratic tendencies –now call themselves Born-Again Log Cabin Gays.
Spokesman for the fledgling movement is Watson L, Wishlist, a former theocratic journalist and Doctor of Divinity at Southern Comfort Baptist Seminary. He edits and devotedly tithe-funds the B-A.L.C. monthly publication: One Way or Another!
“O.K. let’s face it. Let’s be honest and say we goofed in supporting Trump for president from the get go,” writes Dr. Wishlist, in a recent, publication issue. “These last 100 days are proof positive that America’s numero 45 is no friend to us. He’s turned our political log cabin into a shaky lego ‘out’ house.
“In our heart of hearts we prayed for ‘The Donald’, believing him to be a man of intelligence, honor, and redemptive justification for gay Republicans of many, many church backgrounds. (We weren’t too worried about our gay Democrat brothers who, as most everyone knows, are a free-thinking lot, mostly not worthy of sharing the spiritual time of high-noon day.)
“But let’s be honest. Let’s give our gay Democrats the heads up on one thing. Being gay isn’t a choice. It’s a biological predisposition. And a political birthright! There’s consensus on that score. Unfortunately Donald Trump has screwed things up royally for everybody.
“He’s opened the revolving door to bully boy clout to too many churches, with too many ‘entry fees’ into heaven. (Most, of course, are tax free, but that’s another story.)
“Truth of the matter is that thanks to the Big DTease and his political, golf-caddying appointees, churches can now legally shut and seal our Log Cabin door. And that’s not fair game.
“It’s time for we who now call ourselves Born Again Log Cabin Gays to announce to the world our ‘Sure Fire Plan of Salvation By Faith for All Gay Republicans’.
“We ask all of our 250 membership to honestly sign our Sure Fire Pledge and to put into practice these steps to ensure that the afterlife will not be slammed in our Republican faces. (Sorry, gay Democrats you must fend for yourselves). Pledge the following:
“(1): Be baptized both by sprinkling and by total immersion, in the name of the Trinity and by Jesus’s name; (2) Attend church both on Sunday and on Saturday, the unchanged Sabbath Day; (3) Keep all Holy Days of Obligation, fasting on Friday and by eating fish only; (4) Learn to speak in tongues, especially at Republican gatherings; (5) Wear a Mormon Temple-blessed undergarment, and (6) Just to be on the safe side, have a Mormon proxy baptism for yourself and a Democrat person, if your spouse.
“Statement to be signed, with two non-Democrat Party witnesses for notary affixation: I, the undersigned member in good standing of the Born-Again Log Cabin Gays, do signify that, as a true believer in the possibility that Republican LGBTs are entitled to be welcomed in Heaven, I wholeheartedly agree — perhaps with just a hint of cautious reservation — to follow the Authorized Steps for Full Political Salvation.
“NOTE: Weekly confession is certainly a plus. As long as your priest is not a Democrat!” Amen and Abe Lincoln.