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I’ve been out of the LGBT lovebird loop-the-loop for so long that it rarely occurs to me that dating can be hazardous to ones mental and physical well being, and can occasionally require subterfuge, quick costume change, 911 calls, and bedroom fisticuffs.
Even at my age there are lessons to be learned, and I learned a lot from “The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating and Sex” (Chronicle Books; $14.95).
Had I had the benefit of this combat manual — written by psychological, behavioral, toxicological, forensic majordomos — in my tossed salad days, my dating life would have been a little more sparky, a lot more pushy, and certainly double-Oh-Oh-seven!
Come to think of it, I’d recommend this “Worse-Case Scenario” to any ex-gay who — for whatever reason of Adam & Steve rib-kicking, spinal slumping, or erogenous ineptitude — is in need of a macho blueprint for opposite-sex seduction and sacking. (A switch in time saves nine — or gets same, if you’re lucky).
Yes, dating is no Sunday school picnic, according to the author warlords: “You’ll find out how to survive dozens of physically and emotionally threatening situations in bars, restaurants, bedrooms, and airplane lavatories. And in the handy appendix, you’ll find excuses you might need, a guide to pickup lines to avoid [“I have cable TV.”], and body language interpretation chart for encouragement — or for extra protection.”
Selections include: How to Determine If Your Date Is an Axe Murderer [Hint: He’s probably a bed-wetter]; How to Determine Your Date’s Gender [“Look for the Adam’s Apple.”]; How to Fake An Orgasm; How to Have Sex in a Small Space; How to Spot Breast Implants; How to Survive Snoring, and How to Survive if You Have Excessive Gas.
While it’s impossible to post sentries at all trenches, the following may help our hormonally charged privates — straight, gay, bi, and Ex — safely through the dating battlefield until the hoped for Left Behind Rapture rolls around. Let’s start with the Big O: How to Fake Same.
“Moan and cry out, building in volume intensity. You may say your partner’s name over and over. [Bruce! Bruce! Oh, Gawd. Bruce!] Many people, in the thralls of ecstasy, will blurt out sentences or requests that are utterly incomprehensible. [Is there an extra charge for my golden shower?] Arch your back, scrunch your facial muscles, open your mouth wide, and curl your toes.” [This little pig went to market.]
Having airborne sex: “Be ready for turbulence. The safest position involves one partner sitting on the closed toilet seat. Then, in the event of bumpy air, neither partner will be too close to the ceiling, risking a concussion [and an unscheduled stop for hospital admission].”
Dumping a dinner date: “Chew with your mouth open, eat with your fingers, argue with the waiter, close your eyes and pretend to sleep, light matches and drop them on your plate, ignore everything said to you, and/or call someone else on your cell phone [like the fire department].”
Getting caught cheating: “Do not try to be nice or understanding — it will only make things more difficult for your soon-to-be-ex-partner. Be a jerk — it will make it easier for them to move on [and loath you].”
How to Survive Flatulent Overload: “As a last resort, head to the bathroom. Kneel on the floor, bend forward, and stretch your arms out in front of you. Keep your buttocks high in the air, forming a triangle with your upper body and the floor. Release gas.”
Under no circumstance remove your pants. Panties. G-String. Trump/Pence diaphragm for Jesus. (Sometimes GOP life’s a gas.)