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Being black at Big Green

By Dan Woog

The OutField

Jamal Brown spent four years at Dartmouth College running, studying, and trying to figure out where he felt most comfortable: in its small gay community, or its equally tiny African-American one.
A year after leaving, the Ivy League graduate still does not know.
"It was a constant struggle," Brown recalls. "I had black female friends, but not a lot of black male friends. I was generally respected by the black community as an athlete, but at times I wasn't acknowledged because I'm gay. And the gay community there really embodied white gays. To this day, I'm trying to find out where I belong."
Brown's road to the rural New Hampshire campus began 3,000 miles away, in Sacramento, Calif. He was an only child, but his many male cousins helped create a "macho sports environment." In high school, Brown was a successful track and cross-country runner, but spent much of high school denying his attraction to other guys.
"I butched up my voice," he says. "I blasted hardcore music. I cried and wondered, 'Why me?' It was pretty stressful through junior year – not a lot of fun."
Early in his senior year, Brown and his best friend – a fellow yearbook editor and student government leader – came out to each other. "We supported each other," he says. "But I still could not be free. There were still no gay athletes to look up to."
As an African-American, Brown felt an expectation to "embody a great sense of masculinity. I was supposed to be manly and straight."
By the end of senior year, he worried much less. He'd achieved academic and athletic success; he was heading east to a prestigious school. The summer after graduation was "incredible." He attended his first Gay Pride event, in San Francisco, and hung out at gay clubs.
Yet Brown still led a double life. He was not out to his family, and though he had come out in his Dartmouth application essay, he wondered what being a gay college athlete would be like. The school had a reputation for homophobia, Brown says, so he prepared for four years in the closet.
When he got to campus, he saw "open and honest" gay people. As their gaydar kicked in and they smiled at him, he felt terrified. But soon he met the man who would become his boyfriend, and slowly Brown came out – but only outside the locker room.
He was terrified what his Big Green teammates would say. If he'd been forced to decide, Brown says he would have chosen track over his boyfriend.
But that was a frustrating position to be in, so one day Brown changed his Facebook profile to "interested in men." The first reaction from a teammate surprised him: The runner told Brown, "We'll always be there for you." As it turned out, they were.
Brown eased into talking about his boyfriend with the team. When he came out to his coach, Sandra Ford-Centonze, she became his "second mom." He calls his track experience "phenomenal. I never thought I'd have that relationship with a varsity coach, or at a Division I team. I feel incredibly privileged."
At the same time, Brown heard comments that made him cringe – "pansy" and "that's so gay" flew around the locker room. Then there were the things he didn't hear, but sensed. "The sprinting culture is strongly masculine," Brown says. "I know people said stuff when I wasn't around."
Though he was an out, proud, and accomplished runner, at times he felt alone. "I had no one to connect with," Brown laments. "And there were no resources at Dartmouth for gay male athletes." Whenever he performed badly, Brown wondered if others thought it was because he was gay. He pondered quitting.
Brown worked through his issues by involving himself in LGBT campus groups. And, he says, despite his discouragement, his teammates did indeed pull him through.
"No matter how many times I was pissed off by a seemingly benign joke, they always encouraged me. They wanted me to compete and do my best."
Ultimately, he says, his college experience was a good one. "I went through so many positive and negative things," Brown says, but notes that he'd do it all again. "I learned so much, and met so many great people. I learned never to give up, and constantly challenge everyone around me. I learned to love life."
Before he graduated, a first-year teammate came out to Brown. The younger athlete said he'd met Brown as a high school junior; Brown's insights into gay life at Dartmouth encouraged him apply.
"I cried tears of joy that night," Brown says. "I'll never forget beautiful moments like that."

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