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Billy Masters: Hollywood

"You are a pig. A sad jobless pig who is sad and talentless, and, um, oh yeah, sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom. So go fuck yourself, you sad jobless pig." – Charlie Sheen's phone message to ex-wife Denise Richards. Not for nothing, but Charlie ain't no Uta Hagen himself! And he could use a thesaurus.

There has been an addition to the Masters Family. Six months after the passing of my beloved papillon, Jufka, I am thrilled to be able to announce the arrival of Lili (pronounced Lee-Lee). She's another pap, 10-weeks-old and weighs about three pounds. She'll be quite pretty and petite – like her daddy!

Aside from getting Lili, I spent most of this past week in the company of divas, starting with Sheryl Lee Ralph's annual AIDS fundraiser, "Divas Simply Singing." Ralph outdid herself with what was the most spectacular concert in the event's 17 years. People like Natalie Cole, Deneice Williams, Linda Hopkins, and RuPaul gathered for a memorable evening. Juggernaut Jenifer Lewis brought down the house with "Black Don't Crack," and the audience kept her onstage for 29 minutes! Jen was honored by Sheryl Lee for her commitment to the fight against AIDS, alongside original "Dreamgirl" Loretta Devine.

The highlight of this year was supposed to be the reunion of those original "Dreamgirls," Sheryl Lee, Loretta and Jennifer Holliday (funny, no one ever invites Deborah Burrell to these reunions). This was only Miss Holliday's second appearance in 17 years, and she's not what you'd call a "team player." First she had everyone banished from the theater during her sound check – even though she was singing to her own tracks! Then when she did show up for the concert, she sequestered herself in her dressing room while all the other divas were applauding their colleagues. All night she made a point of playing the diva of all divas, and even pointedly snubbed a former friend and co-star in the hallway. To give her her props, she did bring down the house with an ovation second only to Lewis (a fact Holliday was well-aware of). As to the big reunion, it took place near the end of the evening when the three ladies joined for the finale to "Dreamgirls." I've been known to throw the word "magical" around quite a bit, but this truly was – and we'll share a video of it on http://BillyMasters.com.

While I was up in L.A. with the divas, a gaggle of gays had converged at Disneyland for the annual "Kingdom" party at GayDays Anaheim. I got to frolic for the last hour with a capacity crowd of hot boys, dazzling dykes, and everything in between. The perfect vibe in the room was largely due to the phenomenal DJ Kimberly S and promoter Jeffrey Epstein, who founded this decade old event. You can get more details on http://www.gaydaysanaheim.com.

On Columbus Day itself, the National Breast Cancer Coalition held their "Les Girls" benefit. This burlesque cabaret show raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for the fight against breast cancer and was appropriately hosted by Felicity Huffman. Performers included Linda Hart, Melina Kanakaredes, Lucy Lawless, Sam Harris, Loretta Devine and Jenifer Lewis (these two ladies always volunteer for a good cause). I must single out Melissa Peterman, who is one of the funniest women alive.
Then there was that performer who chastised me backstage for being too loud – AFTER the show was over. Of course, he's probably bitter because I've made more money off his penis than he ever did (maybe I'll post the pics again, just for spite).

Larry Birkhead may become a reality star. He says he wants to show the world the trials and tribulations of being a single dad. Of course, what this single dad needs more than anything else is a job – those highlights don't come cheap! Truth be told, Anna didn't leave anyone any money – only the possibility of future legal action. I'm told that Larry misses being in front of the cameras and wants little Dannielynn to follow in Mama's dubious footsteps.

Actor (and we use that term loosely) Nicolas Cage got a rude awakening at his Newport Beach home on Oct. 1. At 1:30 a.m., Cage's bedroom was entered by a male intruder who was naked, except for Cage's leather jacket. And what's so unusual about that? It happens at Casa Masters two or three times a week (I struggle, but not too hard). Am I the only one who thinks said "intruder" could be on the Cage payroll?

Gay Clay has lost another friend – this time, Kimberley Locke. Kim asked Clay and Ruben Studdard to do a little holiday reunion tour (Kimba has a Christmas CD dropping on Nov. 6). When she brought up the idea of "Reunited: 5 Years Later," Clay told her to call his manager – because that's what friends are for. Kimberley did and got no response. She also didn't get any returned calls from Clay for over two months. In an interview with "Billboard," she said she hoped the tour would happen, and Miss Aiken went crazy. He said that was unauthorized information. Locke said of course it was authorized because she said it. No word from Ruben, who isn't allowed to take personal calls during his shift at Krispy Kreme.

Although it's sitting right in front of me, I haven't read Rosie O'Donnell's "Celebrity Detox," but I'm certainly reading all about it. Since Rosie has turned down interview requests from Diane Sawyer and Oprah Winfrey, someone asked who she'd like to interview her. On her blog, Rosie had one name: "Barbara Walters." Needless to say, Babs passed on this one, but Rosie is giving you the chance to read the first chapter for free. Check it out at http://www.rosie.com.

Lest you think Rosie's on the outs with her former "View" co-hosts, think again. O'Donnell is showing some of her art at the New World Stages in NYC (where our dear Charles Busch is once again treading the boards in "Die, Mommie, Die"). Joy Behar was spotted among the celebs who showed up for Ro's opening, as it were. Also spotted were the beauteous Busch, Chita Rivera, Joan Rivers, Cyndi Lauper, Margaret Cho, John McDaniel, and Lucie Arnaz Jr.

That reminds me of a story I heard about the film version of "Grease" (the revival of which has been universally panned by critics). Did you know that Lucie Arnaz was first approached for the role of "Rizzo"? When the producers asked Little Lu to come in and do a screen test with John Travolta, Mama Ball said, "She doesn't test." You know who did test? Stockard Channing, that's who!

Ask Billy

Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Ursula in Boston: "Is Jorja Fox really leaving 'CSI'? And if it's true, when? It seemed they were setting up to kill her in last season's cliff hanger, but she lived. So what's going on?"

No one wanted Jorja Fox to leave – least of all Jorja herself. But when last season ended, she and the network had not come to terms for a new contract. So they left it up in the air. When this season began filming, the lady lover had turned down the latest offer saying, "The raise was terrible, to be frank." I love it when people are honest. It looks like she will leave the building during November sweeps.

When Jorja is lookin' to get a "raise" outta anyone, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Puppy owners out there know I haven't gotten much sleep this week. 've got my hands full with training and updating www.billymasters.com. But if you've got any questions, write me at [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before Nick has a conjugal visit with his "intruder"! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.

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Topics: Opinions
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