Advertisement

Brent's Fagenda:

By Brent Dorian Carpenter

I love the movies. Doesn't matter what kind, as long as they are good, entertaining and don't insult my intelligence. Of course, these days, that doesn't leave a whole helluva lot to talk about. My absolute favorites are big Hollywood spectacles and melodramas. Particularly, action films with larger-than-life heroes. Mind you, the good guys are great and all, but let's face it: Heroes are measured by the ruthless nastiness of the villains they must face and vanquish. A great star turn by a scathing scoundrel can put a film over the top.
As I reflect upon my most beloved screen baddies, I couldn't help but notice a gay subtext that seems to run through the lot of them. Below, my most cherished bitches, bastards and outright assholes in ascending order.
Hans Gruber in "Die Hard." Alan Rickman's lisping, bitchy performance and exquisite attention to fashion were a dead giveaway to his character's orientation. When Bonnie Bedelia chastised him for being a common thief, he snapped back, "I am an exceptional thief! And considering that I'm adding kidnapping to the list of charges, I should think you would be more nice!"
Karen Walker, high-pitched "Will & Grace" harpy. Yeah, I know she's on television, but how could I leave Megan Mulally off my list? Karen hangs with fags and makes lesbian overtures on virtually a weekly basis. Her nasty attacks on Will's sexuality and Grace's fashion sense are the stuff of Must-See TV.
Megabyte and Hexadecimal from the Saturday morning computer generated cartoon "Reboot." Megabyte (his name says it all) was the biggest cartoon flamer since Bugs Bunny. His sister and nemesis Hex was a megadiva whose facial expressions were delineated by Harlequin masks. Their ham-handed attempts to constantly destroy each other were one of the best running catfights on television.
Agent Smith from the sci-fi classic, "The Matrix." Actor Hugo Weaving, who played a flaming sissy in "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert," brought an unparalleled viciousness (as only a fag could) to the role of the computer generated, humanity-hating heavy seeking to destroy Keanu Reeves and pals. While torturing Laurence Fishburne, he compared humans to viruses and talked about how he hated the very smell of our reality. Yikes! He was destroyed at the end of the film; however, to my exquisite delight, not only will he be returning in the upcoming sequel in May, there will be 100 of him!
Marquis de Matois and Viscount de Valmont from my favorite period film "Dangerous Liaisons." Yeah, I know they were former lovers, but could John Malkovich have played the conniving viscount any more gay? Swoosie Kurtz said, "He never once opens his mouth without first calculating what damage he might do." But his thickness paled in comparison to the scathing reads that flowed from Glenn Close. She said to Valmont, "Do you remember when Basteed left me and ran off with that fat mistress of yours whose name escapes me?" If you stop and think about it, she let three people have it in one sentence. Screenwriter Stephen Frears must have been gay, because only a queen could pen such scalding dialogue. To this day, I still hold a grudge that Close was robbed of her Oscar.
Hannibal Lector from the pricelessly depraved "Silence of the Lambs." This freak, exquisitely portrayed by Anthony Hopkins, proved to be far more dangerous behind bars than the transsexual Buffalo Bill, the serial-killer psychopath that poor out-of-her-league Clarice Starling enlisted his help to capture. Anyone who would cut off a person's face to use as a mask deserved to escape! Interestingly, most of the victims he cannibalistically consumed were men. Talk about eating a guy out! The opening sequence dinner party in the prequel "Red Dragon" is a gut-buster.
Emperor Palpatine from my all-time favorite Star Wars saga. Consider this – this queen controlled the entire far far away galaxy! How many other villains can boast that on their evil resumes? This guy was so bad, Darth Vader deferred to him. He was so lethal, he didn't even show up until the third installment of the original trilogy, and then didn't lift a finger until the final fifteen minutes of the movie – and yet, like a true diva, you knew not to fuck with him! As the new prequel trilogy unfolds, we are treated to witness his rise to power and discover what a manipulative, conniving cocksucker he was.
British stage actor Ian McDiarmid brings a wonderful gay sensibility to the role. Look for this disgusting piece of work to break out in the final installment, Episode III.
While on the subject of gay Star Wars characters, flaming camp queen C-3PO aside, one has to wonder about all those bachelor Jedi Knights running around who are forbidden to love. Yoda is voiced by openly gay actor Frank Oz. After Luke Skywalker incestuously tongue-kissed Princess Leia prior to discovering she was his sister, he seemed to give up on women entirely. A hero without the obligatory macho image-enhancing girlfriend? Hmm … And is it me, or was Ewan McGregor's Obi Wan Kenobi particularly bitchy in "Attack of the Clones"? And let's not forget bounty hunter Jango Fett, Boba's dad, who preferred to clone himself to produce his son rather than procreate the natural way. Gee, George Lucas, what are you trying to tell us?

Advertisement
Advertisement
Advertisement