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When a Casserole Is Not Enough: Building Healthcare Teams For the Years Ahead

How a healthcare buddy (or several) can improve your well-being despite a tough era

When the morning of Nov. 6 came, and we learned Trump would be the next president, my first instinct was to text friends who had been delaying healthcare. "Now is the time to stop putting it off," I urged, fingers flying like the middle-aged, nudgey Queer Auncle that I am.

Had I paused even a millisecond to think this through, I might have held back. After all, when you're stunned and trying not to panic, the last thing you need is a well-meaning text urging you to tackle the Very Hard Thing you've been avoiding — right now — on top of everything else.

But one thing I had right: We will need our connections with each other to get through the next few years and beyond. The political climate may shift unpredictably, but one constant remains — healthcare is easier to navigate with a solid team. Whether you're building a care team from scratch or strengthening the one you have, now's the time to act.



Here are some ideas to consider, bearing in mind that you're the expert on your own life, so take what works and leave the rest.

Find a healthcare accountability buddy

We often expect our partners in life to be our partners in health, but that can get messy fast. Like many queer people (and many nurses), I've had to be aggressively convinced to seek care, even, or perhaps especially, when it was ridiculously, obviously necessary. A friend once pointed out this wasn't fair to my partner, who already had to manage their own worry and then take on the emotional labor of managing my healthcare.

Since then, I've built mutual healthcare buddy relationships with friends — people not necessarily in my closest inner circle but willing to help me prioritize preventative care, chronic conditions and follow-ups. It's not perfect, but it's taken a lot of pressure off my partners over the years.

Each buddy relationship is unique, but possible roles include:

  • Crafting a care plan. If you've been putting off a dentist visit, bloodwork and a mole check, the sheer scope might feel overwhelming. Your buddy can help break it down into manageable steps.
  • Accompaniment to appointments, either IRL or virtually. Even if you wouldn't want to, say, Zoom a healthcare buddy during a long-delayed pap exam, knowing they're available via text can mean the difference between feeling traumatized and alone or just feeling traumatized. This might not sound like a big deal, but in practice, it can make a big difference
  • Advocacy assistance. We delay care for good reasons — because it's expensive, because we've been traumatized by past experiences and because intersecting identities (e.g., being trans, disabled or a person of color) can snowball into an avalanche. A buddy can potentially advocate for you anywhere it's difficult for you to advocate for yourself, from making appointments to talking with insurance companies. The fact that most of us can argue much longer for someone else than we can for ourselves is perhaps something to address in therapy. But in the meantime, there's no shame in using our own dysfunction to help someone we care about get their bottom surgery covered! 
  • Friendly encouragement via competition, e.g., see who can visit the dentist first! Don't scoff; it works in softball, and it can work for healthcare.

Widen your circle of care

Aggressively de-isolate. 

A few years ago, I led a workshop at the Philly Trans Wellness Conference, which draws people from around the world, including those from isolated areas and situations. As I was leading the group through my standard chant of "never go to the hospital alone," one member raised her hand to say, "This is all nice, but I'm not partnered and completely stealth in my community; who would I take the emergency room with me?"

We stopped our chanting for a moment and sat in silence. And then — with the questioner's permission — we began brainstorming how to find potentially supportive people. Examples included: 

  • 12 step groups (open groups allow non-addict-identified folks to attend)
  • Inclusive and/or liberal churches (the Christian church has been making life harder for LGBTQ+ people for ages; work that guilt angle if you need to!), 
  • Businesses that take a lot of LGBTQ+ money (the local Birkenstock store or the Subaru dealer?) 
  • Local chapters of relevant disease-specific organizations. 

If you are geographically isolated, the particulars of this list might not be relevant to your area or your situation; the value is in brainstorming and seeking folks out beforehand, not texting from the urgent care. Remember, you're not looking for a best friend, so whether you have anything in common with them is less important than their willingness to build community for a potential crisis. 

As Regina Lattler, a Michigan trans woman living in a rural area, explained, "There are transphobes everywhere, but there are also allies everywhere. I found my healthcare buddy in a knitting group."

Create a structure for care

Mutual aid became a buzzword during COVID-19, but marginalized communities have been doing this forever. Start simple: a group text thread where you can make requests like, "I need to get bloodwork done — can anyone come with me on Monday morning? I'll bring coffee."

If that's not enough, consider a shared calendar, spreadsheet or even apps like Lotsa Helping Hands or CareBridge. These tools aren't always designed for mutual caregiving but can be adapted. Check security settings before using them — your group's most vulnerable member sets the standard.

None of this is easy. When you’re overwhelmed and curled up in the fetal position, bed can feel like the only reasonable position and reaching out almost impossible. But taking the first small step now to building a care team makes it easier to get through hard times later. And if nothing else, it's nice to know someone's got your back when you're stuck waiting on hold with insurance.

Because even the tastiest combination of tater tots and cream of mushroom soup can't help you file an appeal.



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