After Thwarted Kidnapping Plans, Whitmer Calls for Unity

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer addressed the State of Michigan after a plan to kidnap her and other Michigan government officials was thwarted by state and federal law enforcement agencies. She started by saying thank you to law enforcement and FBI agents who participated in stopping this [...]

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But your are, Blanche!

By |2008-01-03T09:00:00-05:00January 3rd, 2008|Opinions|
Parting Glances

I spent a quiet New Year’s Eve holding hands with Sr. Serena Scatterpin, Renegade Sisters of Mary. As many of my PG readers of all true, red-blooded American faiths know, January 1st is her birthday.
(Others: Lorenzo de Medici, General “Mad” Anthony Wayne, J. D. Salinger, E. M. Forster, Joe Orton, Barry Goldwater, and — Sister goes ballistic over this — one-time tacky drag queen J. Edgar Hoover.)
Sister was born a “discreet number of decades ago,” as she tactfully says, at 12:01 a.m., in the second balcony of New York’s famed Roxy Theater, during a Bette Davis movie. Mom, newborn nun-to-be, audience, and Rockettes somehow survived the unscheduled intermission feature.
(The film was Now Voyager, which may have something to do with Sister’s all-encompassing, fashionable, two-cigarette, je ne sais quoi demeanor. It certainly explains why gay Catholic tops and High Church Anglican bottoms are attracted to her from the get-go.)
As a rule Sister makes only one New Year’s resolution. “Make it morally simple,” she encourages holiday celebrators. “That way, on a Recovering Catholic Guilt Factor Scale of 1 Venial Near-Occasion-of-Sin to 10 Carnal You’ll-Do-Beadwork-For-That you’ll keep things spiritually down low, if you know what I mean.”
I think it no breach of friendship to share Sister’s numero uno (especially since we share a common numero duo). And I’m sure many of you know where we’re both, er, coming from. Our joint resolution: Don’t hanky panky with Fr. Manly Everhope, S.J. (He spends way too much time partying with the boys.)
As we usually do on New Year’s Eve, Sister and I exchange gifts. I gave her a DVD of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? (her favorite Bette Davis penance). She gave me a paperback copy of 50 Facts That Should Change the World by Jessica Williams (disinformation Press 2007).
“Feel free to share data in this eye opener with your LGBT-Q, etc. cohorts,” urges Sister, after I buss her a chaste kiss and manage a non-sexually specific bear hug to celebrate her birthday. “Probably a few of these facts will help hung over readers make their resolutions — after sobering up from all the holiday hoopla and confetti throwing.”
In the interest of Better New Year’s Resolutions 2008, Sister and I offer the following to be mulled over cinnamon toast and black coffee before making any 365-day commitment (that more than likely you’ll fail to live up to by day-12 anyway).
. . . A third of the world’s obese people live in the developing world . . . China has 44 million missing women . . . Brazil has more Avon ladies than armed services members . . . Black men born in America stand a one in three chance of going to jail . . . One in five of the world’s people lives on less than $1 a day . . .
. . . Last year, 16 million Americans had some form of plastic surgery [and needed it] . . . David Beckham’s deal with the LA Galaxy football team earns him $100 every minute . . . Global warming already kills 150,000 people every year . . . A third of American believe aliens [all straight and gray] have landed on earth . . .
. . . Americans discard 2.5 million plastic bottles an hour . . . Every day, one in five of the world’s population — some 800 million people — go hungry . . . The US owes the United Nations more than $1 billion in unpaid dues . . . [Euros no less!]
A change of heart’s in order. Here’s our 2008 resolve: To actively love, help heal this, the only –so sadly, shamefully abused — world we’ve got. “And,” adds Sister, “don’t forget to Thank Your Lucky Stars.” (Joan Crawford, who?)

About the Author:

Charles Alexander