Lose the Tiara, Find the Flannel: Inside the Rise of the Butchlorette Party
Forget the pink sashes, please — pre-wedding celebrations are getting a queer makeover
For decades, the cultural script for a bachelorette party has been aggressively consistent: matching pink T-shirts with a superfluous indication of the reason for the gathering, most often in a Pinterest-favorite script font. Maybe a tiara that says “Bride.” Possibly a limousine, and at least one nearly anatomically correct plastic novelty item crafted into a wardrobe item.
And alcohol. Often, copious amounts of alcohol.
But queer weddings have a funny way of calling for script rewrites that never quite fit us in the first place.
In summer of 2024, comedian Rachel Scanlon posted about her “butchlorette party” on social media — a tongue-in-cheek term for a pre-wedding celebration that ditches the traditional bachelorette aesthetic in favor of something that actually reflects the bride’s personality. Scanlon's party included a boat named "Medium Pimpin," jaw-dropping fruit platters (which sounds like a euphemism but is not) and folks of all gender presentations sporting boldly dyed hair, chomping on cigars.
Which also sounds like a euphemism but is not.
The responses to the Instagram post are a work of art themselves ("it's the "Benny Hill" captain hat-fire emoji") and the post brought attention to the way queers are reworking what happens the night before the wedding.
If you are a bride who would rather go camping, play board games, hike dunes or spend a weekend at a cabin with your friends, the standard “rosé all day” itinerary can feel about as natural as wearing a rhinestone sash to chop firewood.
For many queer couples, the shift isn’t really about rejecting celebration. It’s about removing the expectation that celebration has to look one specific way. When the entire institution of marriage has already required some creative rewriting, the pre-wedding party is just another place to ask: What would actually feel good to us?
Wedding planner Cheryl Hooten, owner of Dream Day Weddings in Saugatuck, has been working with LGBTQ+ couples in Michigan for years and says queer couples often approach pre-wedding celebrations very differently from the traditional bachelor-bachelorette split.
“Most of the LGBTQ+ couples are doing them together,” Hooten notes. “That is the biggest thing I’ve seen.”
Part of that, she says, comes down to how queer friend groups tend to function.
“They’re embedded with each other. They’re embedded with their friends,” she explains. “Your friends are my friends. My friends are your friends. Or they met through those friends.” In other words, when your wedding party already overlaps, it can feel a little strange to divide everyone into separate events.
Hooten recently worked with a pair of grooms who decided to combine their celebration into a shared weekend centered around their favorite hobby. “They’re nerds and they play board games,” she said, laughing. “So they’re going to get together and it’s like, their friends are my friends and my friends are your friends.”
Rather than two separate parties, they’re planning one giant, game-filled gathering.
For many couples, these events also look quieter — and more intentional — than the stereotypical Vegas-style bachelor weekend. “It’s more that they’re doing it together and more thoughtful and careful,” Hooten says. “They’re going with intention. It’s, ‘We’re going to a cabin in the woods because we love hiking or skiing.’”
Instead of one big blowout, couples are often choosing experiences that feel like the life they already share with their friends, including time outdoors, shared hobbies, long conversations and spending time in meaningful places.
And if that sounds suspiciously wholesome, that’s because sometimes it is.
“I mean, [for some couples] their idea of a wild party is staying up till all hours talking on the deck,” she said.
The butchlorette energy
For butch or masc-of-center brides in particular, the classic bachelorette aesthetic can feel like a costume from a different movie.
Trina Rowan, a 32-year-old Detroit lesbian, described attending a friend’s traditional bachelorette party before her own wedding and realizing immediately that she wanted something different.
“The tiaras were cute,” she said. “But I was like, if someone puts one of those on my head, I will simply walk into Lake Michigan. It will be the end of me."
Instead, her friends organized a butchlorette weekend, complete with a curated itinerary that included kayaking, a brewery visit, a long bonfire on the beach and a fiercely competitive round of cornhole.
At one point someone attempted to make matching shirts. The shirts said “Bride Squad.” Rowan vetoed them immediately and attempted to replace them with matching flannel shirts from a thrift store.
“Straight people have discovered flannel so the thrift stores only had XXXXL shirts left," Rowan said. It quickly became a bring-your-own-shirt situation.
Tina Lewis and Mary Lahaye, another couple in southeast Michigan, opted for a “garage butchlorette,” hosted by the bride’s longtime softball teammates. The evening featured darts, pizza, a carefully curated playlist of early 2000s pop-punk and a surprisingly heartfelt round of storytelling about how each person met the bride.
“It ended with everyone sitting on folding chairs in the driveway talking about our friendships,” Lewis told Pride Source. “Which, honestly, is exactly what you want before someone gets married.”
Destination: queer joy
In West Michigan, many couples fold their celebrations into trips to Saugatuck and Douglas, two lakeshore towns long known for being LGBTQ-friendly.
“Douglas has the Dunes Resort, which is the biggest LGBTQ+ resort in America,” Hooten notes. “So that’s usually one of their stops as well at some point.”
For visiting groups, that can mean dancing all night at the resort — and then spending the next morning recovering with coffee and a walk along the lake.
For many queer couples, places like Saugatuck also carry a sense of history. They are vacation spots where people felt safe traveling together long before marriage equality existed — places where couples could hold hands in public, meet other queer travelers and imagine a future that wasn’t always visible back home.
Hooten says the area has become a meaningful place for many couples.
“I married one couple — two women — oh my god, it had to be 18 years ago,” she says. “They still come into town two or three times a year.”
Sometimes the connection runs even deeper. “One of the couples even moved to town,” she says. This may be the most romantic outcome of a pre-wedding party ever recorded.
But whether the celebration involves a lake house, a garage full of folding chairs or a board game marathon, the through line is the same. Queer couples aren't skipping the party. They're just throwing one that makes sense for the people actually in attendance, no sash required.
Build Your Own Butchlorette: If you queer it, they will come
If you’re planning a butchlorette (or simply a pre-wedding gathering that doesn’t involve inflatable novelty items), starting from scratch can feel onerous. But remember, there are no rules here. Riff on these ideas or come up with your own — either way, tag us in your social posts!
Arcade or bar-game night
Find a place with pinball, darts, pool or retro arcade machines. Winner buys the next round. Loser must give a heartfelt toast about the bride.
Destination Outdoors
Rent a cabin, bring your closest people and spend the weekend hiking, cooking together and staying up late talking. Bonus points for a fire pit and someone who knows how to make excellent pancakes.
Board game marathon
For the proudly nerdy couple, gather everyone for a night of cooperative or competitive board games. Strategy, trash talk and snacks encouraged.
Lake Michigan adventure
Kayaking, paddleboarding, dune hiking or simply sitting around a bonfire watching the sunset. Unless you're particularly hardy (we know some of you are), this is primarily a non-winter choice.
Creative night
One bride hosted a leather-working workshop where everyone made their own belt. Another group tried pottery. No one will forget the bowl that looked like a potato. (And honestly, most of the bowls looked like potatoes.)
Softball or sports day
For the athletic crowd, a casual game followed by a cookout can be the perfect low-key celebration.
Axe throwing or 'Butch Olympics'
Some groups lean into the joke and create their own low-stakes athletic tournament, such as axe throwing, darts, pool, bowling or even a backyard obstacle course. Medals can be made from bottle caps or old softball trophies found at the thrift store.
House-party storytelling
Invite friends to share short stories about how they met the bride or a favorite memory. This can get surprisingly emotional — in a good way.
Service weekend
Some couples choose to mark the moment by giving back. A group volunteer project like helping at a food bank, working on a trail cleanup or assisting an animal rescue, can turn the celebration into a shared, meaningful experience.
Consider your community
Not everyone celebrates with alcohol, and many queer friend groups include people in recovery. Planning activities that don’t revolve around drinking (outdoor adventures, game nights, creative workshops) makes the gathering more welcoming for everyone — and it’s often cheaper. The point is being together, not how many rounds anyone orders.
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