by Tana Michaels
When Ana Guerriero was in school, she was constantly teased by her peers. She lived behind a closet door so tightly shut that she says, "Nothing would've made me seek out help." Now, the 26-year-old woman walks confidently into the Office of Gay and Lesbian Programs at Central Michigan University in Mount Pleasant. She's worked there since 2001 and was hired as its director in 2005. Guerriero has come a long way – and learned a lot. "Without those experiences, I wouldn't be where I am today," she says in reference to her difficult coming out. "It taught me a lot about who I am and how strong I am."
Growing up gay and closeted
When Guerriero was growing up in the small, mid-Michigan community of Clare, "being different in any sort of way was not positive."
But she couldn't deny who she was.
"It was probably about the age of five that I realized I was just different," she says. "Of course, at the time, I had no idea what that difference was, but I knew other girls weren't interested in playing with the boys on the playground in kindergarten and I wondered why."
Having no visible role models, Guerriero had a hard time defining herself. Finally, in adolescence, she was able to put a label on her feelings. "It was when Martina Navratilova came out," she recalls, smiling. "I was enrolled in a tennis class around the same time. In my head, a voice just said, 'You're gay! This is the difference you've been feeling!'"
As relieved as Guerriero was at being able to identify herself, other girls in her school let her know it was wise to remain hidden. "They said hurtful and hateful things about being gay. They said it was sick and wrong and disgusting."
She entered high school still closeted and frightened. "I was called a faggot and a dyke in the hallways," she says. Sometimes, the harassment even turned into physical assault.
"It was a very difficult time because as hard as I tried not to stick out and especially not let anyone know my huge secret, my peers assumed I was gay anyway," she explains. "In high school – the make up, the proms, the dances, the boys – I stood out because I had no interest in any of it."
Still, fear kept her from actually coming out.
Finally, after high school graduation, Guerriero came out to a friend she had known for quite some time. "I was so nervous and scared," she says of the incident.
Guerriero's news was greeted with "a great big hug."
Coming to a crossroads
Entering college was a chance at a new beginning for Guerriero. "CMU was a very positive and freeing experience and I thought that things would improve," she says.
Unfortunately, the resources at CMU at the time weren't what they are today. There was an LGBT student group on campus at the time called PRISM, but they were very secretive. There was also an LGBT resource center, but it wasn't as visible as it is now.
Guerriero lived with three other women on campus who were not accepting. Like in high school, they assumed she was a lesbian. "They did things to my personal property. They told loud gay jokes and made hurtful comments when I was around. They treated my friends poorly and wouldn't give me my messages or mail," she recalls. "They also told the rest of the students on our floor that I was gay. I had no support from the Resident Life staff on the floor. I felt completely alone."
"It was also at that time that my little brother read my journal and outed me to my parents," she adds. Her mother wanted to take her to a counselor to get her 'straightened out." "Needless to say, that's not exactly the response I wanted," says Guerriero.
Guerriero had coped with her unacceptance during middle and high school by trying to act unaffected, but in reality things were much different. "I became severely depressed and withdrawn at home," she says of her youth.
Finally, in college, it all became too much. The pressure of being closeted, being persecuted by her peers for years and her parents' lack of acceptance cumulated in a suicide attempt.
Finding happiness
It was with the help of a friend that Guerriero was able to pull through the situation. "She always told me that things would get better, even if I didn't think they would. She reminded me constantly that other people's issues with homosexuality were not because of me and I should not take them personally," Guerriero says. "It was her unconditional love, support and occasional kick in the butt that really helped me become who I am today."
She also found some gay friends – or rather, they found her.
Having finally learned to accept herself, Guerriero got involved on campus and decided to dedicate her life to helping LGBT youth make their coming out process easier. "Every day I go to work and I meet students at the beginning of the year, and they're so out and open," she says. "I think of where I was and what I went through and I get excited and proud for them and I know that things are only going to get better. That's a very satisfying experience."
As for those who have trouble coming out, Guerriero assures them that the Office of Gay and Lesbian Programs is confidential and on their side. "I try to reassure people that it is safe and they do have safe places to go at CMU," she says.
In contrast to her past experiences, her office now celebrates Pride Week every April and Coming Out Week in October with activities including speakers, marches and movies. Her office's Web site, www.diversity.cmich.edu/glp, contains links to at least three other on campus resources in addition to those from community, state and national levels.
Above all, Guerriero believes education is the key to altering the negative thinking she endured. She recently gave a speech in Bay City at a vigil for Lawrence King that emphasized education as a means of combatting prejudice and violence. Moreover, her office employs speaker panels and programs on hate and hate language on high school and college campuses. Through these programs, Guerriero believes that she can make a difference for LGBT students.
"I never thought my life would be this way," she marvels. "I'm making a difference. I can really change things and that's a great feeling."
