by Ed Sikov
Kyle, Robbie, Phil Levine and some little wisp of a Thai twink on Phil Levine's lap were hot in conversation when I arrived on Friday evening. As I walked in I thought I heard Phil Levine say, "…Barry Esai a lot lately. Gets my juices flowin' know what I mean?" "(Something) Barry Esai?" Kyle asked, and Robbie swatted him playfully on the shoulder. "(Something something) at Top of the Harbor… that cute bartender with the nipple ring… Barry Esai!"
"Who's Barry Esai?" I asked. There was a split second of silence, and then they all burst into humiliating laughter. "Barry Esai!" Phil Levine sang out. "Oh that's hysterical I've got to tell Martin!" He was already speed dialing his cell phone. "It's me get this Mr. Ed just walked in remember that hunky bartender at Top of the Harbor yeah the one with the pecs and that drink he made me yeah well Ed just asked 'Who's Barry Esai?!'" He laughed himself into a coughing jag. "Call me later," he gasped. "I want to try out my new gel dong on you heh heh heh in fact come over now but this time use the Fleet before you leave" and hung up. "Barry Esai!" he boomed and had another coughing fit. The poor Thai kid pouted as he shook violently on Phil Levine's muscled thighs.
I felt my face get hot. I know I'm hard of hearing and sometimes get things wrong, but this was out of control. "The bartender's name is Barry Esai? What's so funny about that?" This produced a whole new round of hilarity.
Kyle came to my rescue. "It's not the bartender's name, Ed. It's an Absolut flavor – Berri Acai." I must have looked as confused as I felt, because Robbie chimed in, "Berri – like in blueberry – and Acai, that rain forest whatever. That whippin' hot bartender at Top of the Harbor was making something real good out of it a couple weeks ago. I don't remember what was in it but it was great." Just as I stopped feeling like the world's stupidest primate, he exclaimed, "Barry Esai! Oh man."
I stomped off to my room. I don't handle these situations well. Yes, I need hearing aids – yet another step in the demoralizing deterioration of the human body that makes helpless fools of us for most of our lives and ends in the grave. I looked at myself in the mirror and deliberately pulled my T-shirt up so I could wallow in my shame. I stared for at least half a minute and felt my mood sinking further into the quicksand.
"Snap out of it, Belly Boy," I finally said out loud and let my shirt fall back down. "Go back to the harbor and buy some Barry Esai." Halfway there I even started singing: "I feel fatty and ratty and tatty – but I'm going to buy me a big peppermint patty – I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive!"
The Vodka Tonic
2 oz Absolut Berri Acai or any flavor you'd like, or plain but premium vodka
Tonic water
Fill a tumbler with ice, add the vodka and pour in tonic to taste. Canada Dry and Schweppes each make good tonics, but there's a new guy on the block – an upscale brand called Q. Perfectly named, it's also extraordinarily good. Agave, no sugar; authentic quinine, no artificial flavors. We're here, drink Queer – get juiced with it.
