by Ed Sikov
I once found myself at a meeting of urine drinkers. No, under no circumstances – including Chinese water torture and being strapped to a chair and forced to listen to Ke$ha – would I ever in a trillion years drink my own piss. But I was accompanying someone who was HIV-positive, and I swore there would be no outbursts, groans, or wretching noises. We both were willing to try anything to keep him healthy. The group called itself "Water of Life." They believed, like the late Prime Minister of India Morarji Desai (he lived to be 100; something must have worked), that a glass of pee was like a good Chablis, a healthy tea, a drink that's free, a tonic for thee… you get the drift.
Before you stop reading, I assure you that this column's featured cocktail is not urine based, nor does it contain half a teaspoon of urine-infused syrup, nor does urine float on top like a yellow Tequila Sunrise. This column is actually about water, which those of us who drink alcohol regularly should consume in large quantities. Hydration! Hangovers are less severe if you drink water while tying one on. Water flushes out those nasty toxins they're always mentioning – those vaguely criminal substances we're said to be full of in our natural state and must rid our systems of daily. (Silly me. I thought urine contained the toxins, and getting rid of them involved peeing them into the toilet and not a tumbler. Boy, am I dumb!)
I've been drinking a lot lately: friends have been taking us out to celebrate our marriage; I spent some boozy days drowning my sorrows at closing the beach house; it's getting colder and darker by the day, which led to sneaky passes by the liquor cabinet on my way anywhere in the apartment. So, I decided to take a week off and drink water. No flavored stuff. Just plain water.
I regret to say that I felt better immediately. No, I'm not staying "on the wagon," an expression that comes from horse-drawn water wagons at the turn of the 20th century. I felt good but bored. Oh, sweet Sauterne, sobriety is dreary! Your mind improves – never a good idea. Reality comes into sharper focus – big mistake in these wretched times. You gain clarity, both mental and spiritual. Dullsville. But for this brief period it was worth the painful monotony of better health. I kept imagining those nasty toxins exiting my body through my favorite organ, my overworked kidneys bathing in a clear wash of something other than vodka – something cleansing and healthy and tedious as hell.
The Best Plain Water: Ignore the know-it-alls who insist that tap water is as good as bottled water. It isn't. It may start out dandy in the hills upstate or the underground springs that serve your community, but after it passes through all those corroded pipes and lands in your glass, it's acquired a distinct tang. So drink Deer Park or Evian. (Did you know that Dasani comes from municipal water supplies?) My vote goes to Poland Springs.
The Best Sparkling Water: My vote once again goes to Poland Springs, but only the plain, unflavored kind. Pellegrino and Perrier are too flat; Canada Dry is manufactured. Poland Springs is naturally and generously carbonated.
And if you're bored by a refreshing glass of chilled Poland Springs Sparkling? You can always pee into it, add some ice and call it an all-natural cocktail.
