I have a confession to make. I love Chex Mix. I have been eating a lot of it lately. The new chocolate and peanut butter Chex Mix is amazing. I ate an entire bag for breakfast the other day. I know it isn’t good for me. I know it isn’t right. But I can’t seem to help myself.
Which is why I have to say thank God “gay marriage” isn’t legal. I mean, once two women can marry each other the next obvious avenue is for a man to marry a dog and then, my God, what’s stopping a Chex Mix loving fool like me from entering into Holy Matrimony with a snack food? (Don’t even get me started on the cannibal issues such a union would stir up.)
And this, my dear readers, is why we need to elect Mike Huckabee as our next president. This is a man who understands.
In an interview on Beliefnet.com, Huckabee was asked if it was his goal to bring the Constitution into strict conformity with the Bible. “Well, I don’t think that’s a radical view to say we’re going to affirm marriage,” he said. “I think the radical view is to say that we’re going to change the definition of marriage so that it can mean two men, two women, a man and three women, a man and a child, a man and animal. Again, once we change the definition, the door is open to change it again. I think the radical position is to make a change in what’s been historic.”
That’s right folks. Huckabee is on to the queers who, let’s face it, probably just want to get gay marriage legalized so they can all secure health insurance for their dogs down the road. They must be stopped. And since we can’t just build a big fence like he suggests to stop the Mexicans, we must amend the Constitution in order to stop the gays.
In case you don’t think Huckabee is serious, he repeated his desire to amend the Constitution during a rally right here in Warren, Michigan on Jan. 15.
“[Some of my opponents] do not want to change the Constitution, but I believe it’s a lot easier to change the constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God, and that’s what we need to do is to amend the Constitution so it’s in God’s standards rather than try to change God’s standards,” he said. The amendments he’s talking about would be to ban abortion and to ban gays from marrying each other (as of press time no Republican has spoken out against gays marrying straight people).
Huckabee has a point. There are a lot of Bibles out there. It would be really hard to put an addendum in them all (just think of all the time you’d have to spend going from cheap motel to cheap motel for one thing). There is only one Constitution.
As Steve Benen of the Carpetbagger Report points out, the fact that a frontrunner for the GOP nomination is talking like this is scary shit. As Benen wrote in a Jan. 15 post, “Anyone who believes the U.S. Constitution is flawed because it insufficiently meets ‘God’s standards’ is almost certainly living in the wrong country.”