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Here’s a story problem for you. A train carrying a nationally known evangelical pastor leaves the station at 11:23 a.m. traveling 69 miles per hour. If the train travels for approximately three years and stops multiple times to pick up a male prostitute for sex and at least once to score some crystal meth, how long will it take for the evangelical pastor to become “completely heterosexual?”
Answer: Three weeks.
Yes, in the same amount of time it takes rats to reproduce, Ted Haggard, the former senior pastor of New Life Church in Colorado Springs, claims he has shed his homosexual burden and is now a card-carrying heterosexual manly man.
Can’t you just picture him eating a Snickers bar and tearing some chest hair out?
“He is completely heterosexual,” New Life Church Rev. Tim Ralph told The Denver Post. He then added that Haggard’s homo action hadn’t been “a constant thing.”
Last week Haggard sent an email to his former congregation to let them know he was doing swell now that he had the gay monkey off his back.
“Jesus is starting to put me back together,” he wrote. “As part of New Life’s efforts to help me, they sent Gayle and me to Phoenix for a three-week psychological intensive that gave us three years worth of analysis and treatment. We all wanted to know why I developed such incongruity in my life. Thankfully, with the tools we gained there, along with the powerful way God has been illuminating His Word and the Holy Spirit has been convicting and healing me, we now have growing understanding which is giving me some hope for a future.”
And what does that future hold? A degree in psychology. Haggard writes that he and his wife “are both planning on getting our masters in Psychology so we can work together serving others the rest of our lives. Since we are taking our classes on-line, we can live anywhere that’s affordable.”
Gosh, once they get their degrees perhaps they can put together little three week intensive ex-gay treatments of their own. I mean, sure ex-gay therapy has been proven bunk by all reputable psychological researchers, but hey, I’ll bet they didn’t get their degrees online.
So, will Ted and his wife live heterosexually ever after?
I have my doubts. And I’m not alone.
Sex expert and activist Susie Bright is, in fact, putting money on it. Want to get in on the pool? Visit http://BetOnTed.com. According to Bright, “All pool proceeds will be split 50/50 between the winner(s), and LYRIC, the ‘young, loud, and proud’ San Francisco youth group dedicated building LGBTQQ community and inspiring social change. LYRIC is a role model for anyone who ever knew they were sexually “different” when they were a kid, and didn’t want to be alone or afraid anymore. Ted could learn a lot from them!”