Have You Negotiated Your Monogamy?

Marketplace Story

Dr. Joe Kort

Published: September 3, 2025 | Last Updated: September 3, 2025

In today's complex relationship landscape, the concept of monogamy often comes with a myriad of unstated assumptions. As sex therapist Marty Klein aptly notes, "Couples often fight over contracts they’ve never made." This highlights the importance of negotiating the terms of monogamy or any relationship structure openly and explicitly. When working with couples, I always begin by asking about their relationship status: Are they monogamous, in an open relationship, polyamorous or perhaps "monogamish," a term popularized by sex advice columnist Dan Savage?

Understanding what these terms mean to each partner is crucial. For instance, I once worked with a gay male couple who identified as monogamous, yet they engaged in a three-way during a vacation. Their definition of monogamy included playing together on trips, which underscores the necessity of discussing and defining relationship boundaries. This conversation is not only relevant for those in open relationships but also for monogamous couples. Questions such as whether partners can flirt with others, have dinner with an ex or watch porn privately can reveal differing expectations and assumptions.

Interestingly, gay male couples tend to be more open about discussing these boundaries compared to straight and even some lesbian couples. This openness might stem from cultural norms within the gay community, where explicit communication about sexual and romantic desires is more common. For example, gay men often use dating apps to clearly state their preferences and boundaries before even meeting in person. In contrast, heterosexual singles might face scrutiny for such transparency.

The emergence of "micro-cheating," a term that reflects the hyper-vigilance in modern relationships, further complicates these discussions. Micro-cheating includes behaviors like casually flirting with someone other than one's partner, having online conversations without disclosure or repeatedly liking someone's social media posts. While some view these actions as precursors to more serious infidelity, others see them as benign. The key is whether these behaviors have been discussed and agreed upon within the relationship.

In therapy, I often encounter couples grappling with issues stemming from unspoken agreements. For instance, a partner might feel threatened by her partner’s porn-watching habits, fearing it signals potential infidelity. However, without a prior agreement on such behaviors, labeling him a sex addict or demanding he stop might be unreasonable. Forbidding a partner from certain actions can lead to secrecy and power struggles. The question then becomes about the extent of control one partner should have over the other’s actions and thoughts.

Ultimately, the concept of micro-cheating and the negotiation of monogamy raise more questions than answers. Each couple must navigate these waters based on their unique dynamics and values. The critical takeaway is the importance of open communication and explicit agreements to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts. So, have you negotiated your monogamy? This question is essential for fostering healthy and fulfilling relationships.

This content is made possible through our partnership with The Center for Relationship Health.