Cupid Ain’t Stupid: Valentine’s Gifts That’ll Getcha Some

By | 2010-02-10T09:00:00-04:00 February 10th, 2010|Guides|

PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE

Cupid’s holiday calls for cocktails, especially if you’ve got a cutie to claim as your own (but probably more so if you don’t), and Stirrings all-natural mixers and rimmers (mind outta the gutter!) get the party started. Just choose your favorite spirit, add a festive Stirrings flavor – like blood orange or pomegranate – and sip your way to satisfaction. To help you along, Carlo, the Naked Bartender – who’s a dead ringer for Timothy Olyphant’s younger, hotter brother – offers recipes and interactive video greetings when you become a fan of Stirrings on Facebook. Hands on the keys, please. ($7; http://www.Stirrings.com)

BY THE BOOK

While Kindle and Nook duke it out for dominance of eReader market share, Kobo is quietly gaining fans. Why? For starters, it’s lighter and faster than Kindle, and Kobo features a chic quilted back available in several sexy colors, like Onyx, Metallic Silver and Lilac. The WiFi-enabled eReader also comes preloaded with 100 free eBooks and access to a store that contains 1.8 million more freebies that can be read on nearly any other non-Kobo device. Which is more than Amazon can say for its prize pony since it’s only compatible with in-network downloads. Three cheers for the underdog. ($139.99; http://www.KoboBooks.com)

HEARTS OF GOLD

It doesn’t matter what kind of girl you have, diamonds are probably still her best friend. Because, well, who doesn’t love a little bit of bling? From The Pearl Source, which uses freshwater and South Sea pearls at 75-percent off other retailers’ prices, comes the Tahitian Heart-Shaped Diamond Earring set and the Tahitian Pearl & Diamond of the Heart Pendant. The former features 3.5 grams of 18K white gold and .15 carat SI-quality diamonds while the latter boasts .22 carats and 1.63 grams of white gold. Even so, the reaction you’ll receive when she opens the box will be more than you can measure. ($399-$599; http://www.ThePearlSource.com)

SEXUAL DELIVERY

What goes on behind closed doors is nobody’s business but yours. Well, unless you count the FedEx guy who delivers your shipment of Collective Wellbeing sex toys. Then again, he’s knows all your naughty secrets, doesn’t he? Now he’ll have something new to talk about it. We Vibe II – the first vibrator that can be used during intercourse and allows for simultaneous internal and external stimulation – is perfect for deepening intimacy and recharging passions, while Naughtibod by OhMiBod plugs into an iPod or other portable music player to send good vibrations to your erogenous zones in time with your favorite tunes. That’s right – a dildo that elevates your ecstasy to the sounds of Melissa Etheridge. Lesbian heaven. ($69; http://www.CollectiveWellbeing.com)

PUBLIC SPEAKER

Nobody keeps wallet photos anymore. Except maybe your dad, and he probably hid yours behind his Moose Lodge membership after you came out. Such is life. Since you’re not an easily embarrassed old curmudgeon, you likely want a better way to show off your sweetie. Enter Doodle from OrigAudio, a portable speaker that you can customize with personal pics (but not too personal), artwork, logos, graphics and more. Powered by two AA batteries, Doodle is compatible with any audio device that has a standard headphone jack, and it fits in your back pocket. Right next to his heartstrings. ($39.99; OrigAudio.com)

FORBIDDEN ROMANCE

Planning a low-key, lady-lovin’ February 14th at home? Here’s what you do: Spark up a couple candles, set the table with her favorite dishes and pour a few glasses of red. But that’s just the beginning. Afterward, surprise her with the Nicole Conn Romance Pack from Wolfe Video, featuring three great girl-on-girl romance titles from the iconic filmmaker, including “Claire of the Moon,” “Cynara” and “Elena Undone.” Cuddle up in something sexy and let the evening unfold. All over the house. ($34.95; http://www.WolfeVideo.com)

CHEEKY VALENTINE

There’s no shortage (pun totally intended) in this year’s V-Day selection from aussieBum. Whether your guy’s a hipster in the streets but a freak in the sheets, prefers boxers of briefs, or needs a little help from underneath, there’s a pair of ‘wear from Down Under sure to please his package. Styles include WJ Pro, which will give his nethers the ultimate upgrade; boxers adorned with amorous rabbits; Classics available in 14 different colors; and a sporty tank to help him sop up all that sweat – in and out of the bedroom. ($19.25-$40; http://www.aussieBum.com)

PLATTER FLATTERY

Etsy aficionado Jennifer Matlack breathes new, functional life into vintage, silver-plated trays, bowls, plates and platters by self-stamping handpicked pieces with words and phrases like “Love,” “Adore,” and “Be True.” Smaller sizes are about four inches in diameter while larger works of art serve as true serving dishes with 12-inch diameters. They’re perfectly sized to hold earrings, rings, perfume bottles, keys, wallets and change. They can hold food too, like, say, chocolate truffles or another aphrodisiac. Discovered at estate sales and flea markets, each piece is one of a kind in shape, amount of tarnish (or shine!) and design. ($8-$45; http://www.Etsy.com/shop/daisychestnut)

SEALED WITH A KISS

Known the world over for its indulgent outlook on decadent confections, Godiva recently launched a line of Chocolate Infused Vodka, a five-times distilled, ultra-premium spirit, the taste of which will speak for itself. So here’s a recipe: Combine one ounce of Godiva Chocolate Raspberry Infused Vodka with a half-ounce of Creme de Cassis in a cocktail shaker filled with ice. Shake well and strain into a champagne flute. Top off with chilled bubbly. Serve with a smooch. ($29.99)

BARELY THERE

With sassy sayings like “Trophy Wife,” “Just Married,” “Bottoms Up,” and “Domestic Diva,” Smart Ass Thongs are perfect for that playful couple that never takes themselves too seriously. Undies feature an optimal rise and a floss width that’s just right – not too wide or narrow. Colors vary per message, but include black, periwinkle and hot pink. Each pair comes beautifully packaged and ready for giving. Enter coupon code PAPERROXSCISSORS at checkout to receive a 20-percent discount. ($20; http://www.SmartAssGifts.com)

HEAVY HEARTED

Business meets pleasure with the Museum of Craft and Design’s set of paperweights from master craftswoman Judy Vilmain. At two inches, her Square Heart is cast in pewter with a small enameled red heart nestled inside to keep your love safe. For the even older fashioned, the pewter Love Letters is just right for that special someone who prefers handwritten forget-me-nots to fleeting sexts. Simply designed, both pieces embody the whimsy, inspiration and function with which we should all conduct our relationships. ($40; http://www.shop.sfmcd.org)

About the Author:

Mikey Rox is an award-winning journalist and LGBT lifestyle expert whose work has been published in more than 100 outlets across the world. He splits his time between homes in New York City and the Jersey Shore with his dog Jaxon. Connect with Mikey on Twitter @mikeyrox.