By Jody Valley
Pastor's kid
Q: I am a thirty-year-old attorney who recently had a commitment ceremony with my partner of nine years. I did not invite anyone from my family because I am not out to them. My partner's family has been wonderful and accepting of our relationship. I do not know how to tell my parents. My father pastors a church that is very conservative in its views and it will cause great problems not only in our relationship but at his church as well. I know that I am of an age where their approval should seem of little importance, but I am afraid. We are a very close family. I am tired of lying to them. I thought of writing a letter after the holidays so as to allow them to express themselves without me having to endure their emotional outbreaks. What do you think of my plan and what can I expect?
Preacher's Kid
A: Not knowing that much about your family, and the fact that there are so many different reactions to the coming out process, I can only predict anything from total acceptance to total rejection and everything in between. And frankly, that is what you must be willing to accept in order to go through this process while keeping your mental health. It has been my experience that when gay people find it more painful to stay quiet about their sexuality than the consequences of coming out, they usually make the decision to come out. It's sounding like you are at this place, or close. Just make sure that you are willing to accept any possible "consequence."
As far as using the letter as your coming out tool, I see no problem with that; however, I'd put something in the letter regarding a time and place to meet and talk about what you have just divulged. Otherwise, everyone could pretend that they didn't "hear" what you have written. (That's how some families would handle that.)
A tactic that you might employ would be to first tell a family member (or members), that you think would be accepting. Then, ask them to be your ally in the process.
Your father's relationship with his church is his to deal with, not your problem. You have your own problems to handle; you don't need take that one on. Also, keep in mind that even if they are initially rejecting, that isn't the end of things. Many families come around, over time, though not all members at the same time.
P.S. Good for you for having the wisdom not to do this during the holiday season!
Riding the bull
Q: My boyfriend is addicted to the stock market. He watches CNN all the time and is on the financial websites reading, trading, whatever. He has a part-time job at night and does the stock stuff during much of the day. He says that he wants to give up his part-time job when he feels confident that he can make enough on the stock market. I don't think that this is a valid occupation. He should find a full-time job, something you can count on. So far–for the past two years–he's done all right, but how long can this last? What happens when the market goes down?
I've tried to talk to him about this and he's sees this as his right to choose how he makes money. I know that's true, but we are financially connected, and I worry about in the future being short when bills arrive.
A: I'm with your boyfriend on this one. First, I don't see where he has an addiction. It sounds like he's just educating himself and doing his job, which will help him be more successful. As far as the security of a full time job, there is no security in that. He could be fired or laid off at anytime. Lots of people lose their jobs, and if stock trading doesn't work, he can look for another job.
If you were successful in getting him to do something else, he could end up resenting you for stomping on his dream. It would be a lot better for your relationship and his chances of success if you'd be supportive.
P.S. Stock traders can and do make money in down markets.
