Dear Jody

BTL Staff
By | 2005-12-22T09:00:00-04:00 December 22nd, 2005|Opinions|

By Jody Valley

Wandering from your partner

Q: I have been with my partner, “Carrie,” for ten and a half years. For the most part, we have had a great relationship and many good times together. I love her very much and would not want to be with anyone else. We, like all couples, have our fights now and then, but mostly we are very compatible.
Now, to the problem: Two years ago, Carrie had an affair. I’m not sure it was really an affair, but more like a weekend hook-up. This happened when Carrie was out-of-town visiting her aunt for a week. She decided, one night, to visit a local lesbian bar and the hook-up occurred from there, two nights according to Carrie.
Carrie came back home and I didn’t find out about it until the woman called Carrie and I answered the phone. Carrie was out at the time and I asked to take a message, and from there I found out what happened because the “hook-up” woman didn’t know that Carrie had a partner back at home. So, if she hadn’t called, I probably would never had known about this at all. I confronted Carrie and the time and she was very sorry about it and said that she just didn’t know why she did that, and it would never happen again. I really don’t believe anything like this has happened again, but it has left me with some anger that comes out around the holidays, as this is when it happened. (The rest of the year, I think about it, but it really gets me when I see and hear about Christmas.)
It came up again the other night when Carrie wanted to make love. I have a hard time wanting to be intimate with her during the holidays. I know that it is related to that time and I can be intimate other times of the year, though somehow it is not the same for me anymore. Carrie has said that she is sorry and I know that she is; I just can’t seem to get it out of my mind and not let it affect me. Carries says that she doesn’t know what else to do to make it right for us again, and I have no idea either. She is a good partner and I know that she loves me and really believe she wouldn’t do it again.
How can I get over this?
Stuck in the Past
A: Maybe it would be better to be asking yourself these questions: why do I hang on to this? And, what does it do for me? Do I need to punish Carrie? Also, you may want to consider if you feel like she really is sorry and understands your feelings. Did someone in your past, besides Carrie, betray you and you haven’t been able to let go, so you have Carrie to take it out on? These are just a few places to start. I have no idea why you are hanging on to this, but it is important that you find out so you can let go. Otherwise, it will have negative consequences on your relationship with her. It is important for all of us to look at why we are hanging on to negative things, in order that we can come to terms with them and let go. It is we who remain in hell for not letting go, and the other person soon doesn’t want to be part of our hell.

Q: I read your column about mother-daughter lesbians. {The lesbian’s mother came out as lesbian and she didn’t want to hangout with her mother, but mother needed some resources for LGBT activities.} I suspect you are not in Michigan, but if you are, you should know about the WOA website at: . It features 80 social groups for Michigan lesbians of all ages. The WOA MIDWEEK NEWS is published and emailed every Wednesday. Anyone can just notify me if they would like to receive it.
I would be happy to help your writer’s mother or any lesbian get connected according to her age range, interests and geographical location. We have an organization in Metro Detroit, OUTSKIRTS, that was designed for lesbians 50ish plus.
The Lesbian Connection, free to lesbians worldwide, publishes a Contact Dyke Directory that is worldwide in its scope. You can get in touch with them at, or 517-371-5257. There office is located in Lansing, Michigan.
Rainbow regards,
Nancy Unwin

A: Thanks for contacting me with this information and allowing us to use your name. I’m passing it on for the writer of the letter and all others who can take advantage of this information.

About the Author:

BTL Staff
Between The Lines has been publishing LGBTQ-related content in Southeast Michigan since the early '90s. This year marks the publication's 25th anniversary.