By Jody Valley
With loss
Q: I'm so distressed I just don't know what to do. It seems like my life has turned upside down in the past year. I never thought that things could be so bad that my partner, "Mary," and I would get to this point.
My partner's son, "Jimmy," died about a year ago. He was a teenager, had been drinking and was driving too fast. He crashed his vehicle and died, his friend–who was in the vehicle with him–died as well. Jimmy didn't die immediately; he hung on for several weeks. Finally, we pretty much had to make a decision to pull the plug as he was a vegetable.
Since that time, Mary has gone inside herself and can't be reached. I realize that this was a terrible, horrible thing. It has been a very difficult time for both of us. I was his "second mother" and I was close to him and had helped to raise him for 11 years of his life. Though I realize that it is even worse for Mary, I have been in pain as well. Jimmy and I were very close and I feel is loss tremendously.
When Jimmy died, I really needed Mary to be close to me, but she just went so far down deep inside herself that I couldn't reach her. She has not come out. Our home is like a hollow, empty tomb. We don't laugh anymore; we don't really talk; we don't really live! I feel so lonely and I don't know what to do.
I love Mary. I want her back. I know that things will never be the same, again, but I don't want to stop living, at least not while I'm still breathing. I just can't keep going on like this. I sure wish we could have Jimmy back, but we can't! But, at least, I would hope Mary and I could have something left of our lives together.
How long do you think Mary will stay inside herself, will she ever come back?
– Member of the Living Dead
A: I'm so sorry for your and Mary's loss. How horrible that was for you both, losing a child is probably the most difficult loss of all.
It's obvious that you both grieve differently, but Mary's going into her shell-so far for so long–is not healthy. It doesn't sound like either of you has been involved in grief counseling. I don't know where you live, but I'm sure your community has grief groups, just takes a little research. Even if Mary won't go, I suggest you go; she may follow. You may need to go a step further and get some counseling; again, if she won't go, don't let that stop you. You have been through so much; you need some help dealing with Jimmy's death and all the fall out. Take care and let me know how things are going.
Hormonal break
Q: My partner, "Elly," is menopausal. She's been in menopause now for four years. Believe me, I have empathy for her. I know how hormones can mess up your thinking and feeling, but Elly has a bad case! (I used to have bad hormonal days with my periods, but haven't had the menopause experience, yet) She doesn't even think right most of the time. She gets upset with things that never used to bother her. We get into these weird fights; we go places in our fights that are just strange. At the end of a fight, I just can't figure out what happened, or why!
As I said, I have dealt with this for four years, hoping that it's time for this to be pretty much on its way out, but recently, things have gotten even worse. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells watching a tornado descend upon me.
I love Elly very much. We have been together for 19 years. I want to be with her another 100 years, but I need a hormone break. Elly's doctor says that she can't take hormones, and I'm not sure I would even want her to, if she could.
So, I guess my question to you is, do you have any ideas for coping skills, so I can get through this?
– Hormone Victim
A: There are some herbal kinds of things that she might try, but you'd probably want to talk to your doctor first. As for your coping needs, perhaps a good exercise program would help your getting through this period. Also, you might try to watch–like from a third person perspective — what is happening when Elly gets really hormonal, trying not to get caught up in it. And finally, the bitch of being a lesbian couple is: You have to deal with the menopausal experience, twice! So, hopefully, Elly will be tolerant with your times of hormonal imbalance. She may even take a page from your handbook of tolerance, so make it a good one!
