By Jody Valley
Dividing your time
Q: I am a person who is very caring and likes to help people. I am involved with several organizations that are of the helping sort. I work with individuals that are HIV positive, taking them to the doctor, cooking meals when they can't, and I am doing yard work for my elderly neighbor.
I believe it is the duty of everyone to help those who are less fortunate than they are. My problems is that my partner, Cindy, thinks I do too much for others and should stay home and take care of her, and things around the house.
I do try to take care of things here, but many times there are others that need me more. I understand that Cindy would like more attention, but I am doing the best I can with everything else I have to do. She has also started complaining that she has to do more of the cooking, cleaning and yard work because I am always gone. I don't think she does that much more, but it is hard to prove – one way or the other.
It seems to me that since she doesn't volunteer to help others, she should be glad that I am out there helping. She should be willing to shoulder more of the work at home. As for not getting enough attention, I think that she should realize that I am sometimes exhausted and drained when I get home, and I have nothing else to give.
When I first met Cindy, she was ill and I did spend a lot of time taking care of her, but now she is well and doesn't need me. I don't understand why she doesn't realize these things. They seem so apparent to me.
How do you think I could get Cindy to see my point of view more so she isn't upset with me all the time, and nagging me about giving her more attention?
Unappreciated
A: Cindy doesn't have a say here, so I have only to go on what you have said. My guess is that she would have a quite different story. However, it seems to me that you are out there in the world, giving to an extreme – and not giving much to your relationship. Did you ever ask Cindy if she was willing to give up all that time with you and take on more at home? If you are going to be out there being Mother Theresa, you need to have the cooperation, agreement, and willingness from your partner – after all, Mother Theresa was single!
Sandpaper-tounge cat or me?
Q: I met the perfect man at a party the other night. He is everything I ever wanted, good looking, gorgeous body, funny, lots of money, his own house. I could go on and on. We fell head-over-heals in love, and he invited me to his home for the weekend. You can imagine my excitement. I brought wine and flowers. I packed my best silks and plucked, shaved, and powdered. The evening went fantastically, up until the moment he lead me to his boudoir and, to my horror, there was not one – but two – cats ON THE BED. The filth of having animals in ones living quarters goes far beyond my ability to comprehend.
I quickly made up an excuse to leave, but now I am feeling total grief that I have lost my soul mate. Give me the words to let this man of my dreams know that love for a great man – ME – far outweighs smelly, dirty, sandpaper-tongued cats.
Soul Mate Lost
A: While sitting up in my bed with my computer on my lap, I read your letter. I look over and see my loving partner eating her cookie. Crumbs are falling onto the sheets as she takes a bite and reaches for her tea cup, for a sip. My two sweet dogs, Greta Louise and Cocoa – seeing the falling crumbs – rise up from their self-chosen places on our bed. They sniff around, in search of the crumbs, slurping our sheets in hopes of a sweet morsel: It occurs to me that you have written for sympathy, understanding and help from the wrong person.
