By Jody Valley
I don't want to wait
Q: I've been dating a woman, "Sylvia," for two years now. I want to make a formal commitment and make a life together. I know that she loves me and even trusts me, but she is having a very difficult time making this commitment to me. As I said, she trusts me, and that is deserved trust as I have never done anything that would remotely be untrustworthy. That's just who I am, and she knows that because she certainly has contact with all my friends.
Sylvia's last relationship ended horribly — about 3 years ago. She says that she has been burned so bad that she is having a hard time committing, even though she loves and trusts me. She says that she really has no doubt about trusting me, but still, just can't commit at this time. She says that she wants to someday, but I'll have to wait.
I don't want to wait. I wonder, if she hasn't been able to get over it in 3 years, will she ever get over it? What do you think?
Getting Impatient
A: My guess is — given I have not much information about Sylvia — that she has had more than one bad relationship. It wouldn't necessarily have to be a romantic one, it could be with any significant relationship in her past. If she were writing to me, I would suggest she get into therapy to investigate her inability to enter into a commitment with you. As for you, you will need to decide if she's worth waiting for, if you are willing to wait, and if waiting is contingent on her getting therapy.
Pictures of his ex
Q: What do you think of a guy, "Gerald," who still keeps all this pictures of his former boyfriend, "David," all around the house? He not only does that, Gerald keeps old voice messages from his ex, along with past love letters and an old shirt that is tacked to Gerald's bedroom wall. His ex is long gone — three years gone. This guy, as you may suspect, is my current boyfriend.
Gerald and I have been seeing each other for 10 months and are getting serious. I am wondering if I have already gone too far — emotionally that is — given Gerald has not removed the pictures, shirt or voice messages. I have only addressed this situation in an off-handed way, not head on. Like, I sort of just made a joke of it, which he had no comment for. I haven't been insistent by saying anything because I figured that our relationship, and the way it has developed, would bring down the pictures, shirt and erase the voice mail. Unfortunately, that's not the case.
The other night, Gerald and I had some friends over. One of the guys made a remark to Gerald about the pictures. He said something like, hey Gerald, when does your new guy get to make the walls? Gerald acted like he didn't hear that comment, but I know that he did; I saw the expression on his face.
Since Gerald doesn't take a hint, what would you suggest I do?
Second Fiddle
A: I would do what you haven't done, but mentioned already. I would address it head on! Your Gerald needs to let go of the past and get on with his new life. You haven't given me any clue as to why Gerald is hanging on like this. Since you haven't confronted this, perhaps you haven't spoken to Gerald much regarding his ex. In any case, Gerald needs to deal with this old romance. And, you and Gerald need to learn to be more open with each other and communicate your needs and concerns. You can't just "hope" pictures off the wall, wish a voice erased from an answering machine, and pray for a shirt dropping from the wall. Hinting is rarely a good communication style!
Have a problem? Send your letters to: "Dear Jody," C/O Between The Lines, 20793 Farmington Road, Suite 25, Farmington, MI 48336. Or, e-mail: [email protected] Jody Valley spent 12 years as a clinical social worker. She worked with the LGBT community both as a counselor and a workshop leader in the areas of coming out, self-esteem and relationship issues. The "Dear Jody" column appears weekly.
