By Jody Valley
Scared to love
Q. I will try to make this as brief as possible. I am 63-year-old homosexual woman that has never had a serious relationship with a woman. I was outed when I was 15-years-old when another girl and I were caught kissing in a back hallway of the school. I was pretty much ostracized at school, (actually, being ignored was the kindest thing the other kids did to me).
I was living in a small town in Iowa; a town where everyone knew everybody's business. As you can imagine, it was a less than a perfect situation. I went through severe depression from the rejection I received from my parents, my siblings, and my classmates. My parents sent me to a psychiatrist to try to "cure" me. I know they didn't do this out of meanness; they just thought it was the right thing to do. This, of course, didn't work. I finally tried to kill myself and so I was then shipped off to a mental hospital and spent two years there with them trying to cure me. That was pure hell!
When I was released I tried to like men, I even got married so I would be "normal." That lasted six months before I couldn't take it any more, and I left. Since then I have been on my own. My parents and family still have nothing to do with me, and see me as a lost cause and have basically written me off. I moved out of Iowa and have tried to establish a new life for myself. I have a good job, but no friends. The only people I have contact with are those at work. Needless to say, I am very lonely.
I have had very little to do with the homosexual population. I used to go to the bars to meet women, but I always just stayed sitting at the bar watching and drinking. Other than that, I have pretty much just stayed to myself. I know I don't like men, and I am afraid to have relationship with women as I might be attracted to them – in fact, I know I am attracted to them, but I am also scared of them. I don't even know what to do when I get around them. I don't know if I could have a relationship with a woman even if I wanted to because of all of the aversion therapy I had. It makes me feel so dirty just to think about it. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, but I don't know how to get close to a woman. What do I do so I don't spend the rest of my life alone?
In the Closet of my Mind
A: I commend you for still wanting to have a relationship after all you have been through. In my opinion, you need to seek professional help to get through this. You went through too much to try to handle it alone. It will take a lot of work to undo what was done to you. When seeking counseling, make sure the person you choose is not homophobic, and that they have worked with the gay population; this will give them a better understanding of what you went through and are currently going through. Many times you can find professionals that advertised in LGBT publications like this one. Ask for a phone interview or free consultation to make sure you feel comfortable with this person before committing to work with them on these issues. I would also suggest that you start going to events for the LGBT community to meet and get to know other gay folks on an individual basis. Go with the idea of just being friends, it may be too scary if you think you will get in a relationship. Be gentle with yourself during this time, and remember that you have never had a chance to practice friendships, flirting, dating or intimate relationships.
Have a problem? Send your letters to: "Dear Jody," C/O Between The Lines, 20793 Farmington Road, Suite 25, Farmington, MI 48336. Or, e-mail: [email protected] Jody Valley spent 12 years as a clinical social worker. She worked with the LGBT community both as a counselor and a workshop leader in the areas of coming out, self-esteem and relationship issues. The "Dear Jody" column appears weekly.
