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Dear Jody

Q: I am planning to go into the service — the Army — I think. All my friends tell me I am crazy because I will not be able to be out when I am part of the military. I don't think that matters to me. I am not in a relationship right now so there is no reason to be out, and if I get into a relationship, I think I can be discreet. I don't think it will bother me not being able to tell everyone who I am.
The reason I want to join is it will give me an opportunity to go to college and have it all paid for. I talked to the recruiter, and he said you could pretty much pick what you want to study. I want to be a nurse, so that will fit in really well in the service. I also am very patriotic (which is a big joke to all my friends) so that is another reason I want to join. I think we did the right think in going to war against Iraq, and I wouldn't mind being a part in achieving peace there. I have talked to my parents and they are both in favor of the move. I think they believe I might turn to liking men if I am around enough of them.
How do I explain this so my friends will understand why I am doing what I am doing?
Gay Patriot

A: Sounds like you have your mind made up and believe that this is right thing for you. I would still be concerned if I were you about the "don't ask, don't tell" military policy. It is hard to keep your sexual orientation a secret, especially if you are in love. If the big reason you are going to enlist is to get an education, be sure and go to your local university or community college and see what kind of grants, scholarships or loans you could get to help you through school. You may be surprised at the amount of help you can get. It just takes a little research. As for explaining this to your friends, I don't know if they will ever understand, especially if they are adamantly against it. Tell them what you told me and ask them to support you in your decision, even if they don't agree with you.

Q: I recently told my daughter that I am a lesbian. She is 12 years old. She didn't say anything. She just looked at me and then walked away from me. We haven't discussed it since then. The problem is that she has been very quiet and stays in her room most of the time, now. We used to have a pretty good relationship even though we fought some times. She didn't spend a lot of time with me, but she was always on the phone to her friends, going to the mall with them, and just hanging out. Now she doesn't do any of those things. This has been going on for a little more than a month. Do you think this will pass or should I do something, like try to talk with her?
Lesbian Mom

A: Yes, I do think you should sit down and talk with her about what is going on. Make sure you do this during a time when you are both relaxed, not angry with each other, and you have plenty of time. Tell her what you have observed making sure that you mention that this has happened right after you came out to her. See if she will talk about how she is feeling about that. Don't get angry with her if she is upset with you. Just listen and be supportive. I'm sure she doesn't have anyone her age to talk to about this. See if there are any activities or groups for gay families that going on in your area. It often helps if children (teens) see that others kids have gay parents. If you don't feel that you can get her to open up and things don't get better soon, get an appointment with a gay-friendly therapist to help the two of you work through this.

Have a problem? Send your letters to: "Dear Jody," c/o Between The Lines, 20793 Farmington Road, Suite 25, Farmington, MI 48336. Or, e-mail: [email protected]

(Jody Valley spent 12 years as a clinical social worker. She worked with the LGBT community both as a counselor and a workshop leader in the areas of coming out, self-esteem and relationship issues. The "Dear Jody" column appears weekly. )

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