Too much junk in the trunk
Q: For the last 3 years, my partner “Nan” has made a New Year’s resolution to lose weight, but instead she has gained weight every year. In fact, she has averaged putting on 15 pounds per year. I’m getting pretty disgusted with her weight gain. Besides the fact that she looks like a blown up version of her former self, it is bad for her health. She used to be a real knock out, now I must insist on lights out for sex. It’s not all about her looks, either; the doctor said that she is bordering on being diabetic.
I’m trying to be sympathetic, but how long can 15 pounds a year go on!? Don’t ask me to go on a diet with her as my weight is normal, and I don’t want to lose any weight. I have tried to help her by telling her when she’s eating too much food or bad food. Sometimes I take it away from her. We do have cookies, chips and other goodies around the house because I can eat it without any problems. I have a job where I get lots of exercise and burn it off. In Nan’s defense, she has a sitting job that allows the sweet and fatty stuff go directly to her hips, belly, neck, thighs…well, you get the picture.
The other night, the topic of New Year’s resolutions came up. Nan had the nerve to say again that she was going to lose weight. She saw me rolling my eyes and got mad at me. (Who wouldn’t have rolled their eyes at that one!) She hasn’t been speaking to me since.
I don’t know what to do next. If I tell her that the weight thing doesn’t bother me, then I’ll be lying and I don’t believe in lying in a relationship. So, I don’t know how to get things back OK with her. Do you have any ideas? In spite of everything, I do love her.
A: How about start by being supportive instead of critical and unkind. Having sweets, chips and other goodies in the house when Nan is trying to lose weight is unkind; taking food away from her is unkind; and insisting on sex in the dark is unkind. To be supportive, try keeping only healthy foods in the house. It doesn’t matter if you can eat the other stuff — eat it at work if you must. But the fact is, your health would benefit from not eating junk food, either. Be positive with her, instead of rolling your eyes. Most of all, ask Nan what she needs from you so that this year she can be successful.
Threesome? Ain’t gonna happen!
Q: I have been with “Hal” for 22 years. I thought we were doing well and I guess we are, sort of. However, recently, Hal told me that he wanted to bring another person into our relationship. He told me this on our anniversary! Can you believe that!? In fact, he said that that was an anniversary gift to me, as well as for him.
Apparently, he has met another guy, “Denny,” at work. He’s fallen for him. Hal told me that he doesn’t want to lose me; it’s just that he wants to “add” to our relationship. He even wants to have Denny live with us. Hal feels like our relationship could use some spicing up. Hal “assures” me that he will share and that I, too, will fall in love with Denny. (Denny is 20 years younger than me and 18 years younger than Hal.) So, guess he needs some young stuff infused into our relationship, nothing I could give him.
I feel firm that I don’t want this, and I told Hal that he could “return” the anniversary gift! That’s when Hal said that there might have to be some choices made, on his part. I don’t want to lose Hal, but I don’t want Denny in our relationship. What do I do now?
No Additions Wanted
A: Well, that was quite an anniversary surprise alright. It sounds like you both need to talk about this more, like about his needs and yours. I would suggest that you see a couple’s counselor so that you can have help in sorting this out. If Hal is unwilling to see a counselor or discuss it further, you are going to need to make some choices of your own. Good luck and let me know how it goes.