Q: I’m working on trying to be “just friends” with a woman, “Marge,” at work. We started talking about three months ago. We are both lesbians. We get along really great, and she seems to be attracted to me but there is a woman, “Jan,” that she has been seeing for about seven months. According to what she has told me, this woman is very deep inside the closet and refuses to come out at this point. My friend is very out and not ashamed of who she is and this other woman will not go anywhere with her for fear someone will think she is a lesbian.
Marge and I get together and do things and hang out. She told Jan that we were friends, but supposedly this woman is jealous of me. Why? I don’t know. Jan also told Marge not to talk to me about her.
My problem is Marge and I get along fantastic, have tons of things in common, and I would like it to be more. I’m not sure if I should stay around as a friend or bow out until she decides about Jan. Marge seems to be attracted to me, but told me in exact words that “I am in a relationship with another right now, so I’m not interested in anything more than friendship with you.” Any ideas?
Waiting in the Wings
A: You don’t know why Jan is jealous of you? Really? I think that if you just re-read you letter, you would read the words that convey the fact that you are attracted to Marge, and Marge is attracted to you. Jan is no fool.
So, on to what would be best for you in this situation. Keep it friends. That is what Marge is saying to you; take her at her word. If your relationship with Marge should ever change to something more, make it because Marge has left Jan because it’s not working out between them, not because you pulled her away from Jan. You’ll like yourself better for it.
Man butt of fat comments – from boyfriend
Q: My partner, “James,” and I are in a fight. He has been telling me now for over two years that I have a pot belly and am not sexually attractive because of it. Not that he doesn’t come and get it when he’s all randy, because he does. That always confuses me because if he can come to me when I’m not sexually attractive, what gives?
But that’s not what we are fighting about right now. I have been trying to lose weight and just can’t. I don’t know what I do wrong. It seems like I eat less and nothing good comes of it. It has been very frustrating. A friend of mine suggested that I sign up with one of those lose weight, eat-our-food kind of programs. He said that he did that and lost weight on it.
So, I told James that that was what I was going to do. He had a cow! He said that my weight issues had to do with my having no self-control. That I lacked moral fortitude by not just eating right and eating less. As I said, Jody, I have been eating less and as far as I know, I’ve been eating right – not that I haven’t slipped now and then, but not much, really! And let me add, this would be my money that I would spend on this, not James’.
I got really mad at him for saying that I lack moral fortitude. We got into a horrible fight where he called me a whole lot of names that all relate to “fat.”
What I want to know is: Do you think if someone can’t lose weight and is trying but is unsuccessful, that they have some deficiency of character? And, do you see anything wrong with joining up with a weight lost company or group?
Eating Less To No Avail
A: No, I don’t think having problems losing weight has anything to do with character, and I believe that since you are having problems losing the weight, it would be an excellent idea for you to seek support in this. Losing weight is not easy and many of us don’t really understand what kind of foods to eat, and how much. These programs can help you learn all that. Since there are so many programs out there, be sure to shop around and figure out what which one seems the best for you. Since you mentioned that you weren’t sure if you were eating the right kinds of food, I would suggest you seek a program that emphasized educating you about those things. Often, local hospitals will offer that kind of help. Good luck!
P.S.: I think your boyfriend needs some education, as well, in learning to support a person and not name calling.