Was I just her toy?
I must admit that the last year has been a living nightmare for me and I need some advice. I met a lady approximately three years ago and our relationship in the beginning was absolutely wonderful (as it always is in the beginning). I thought that we were compatible in so many ways; usually I am a pretty good judge in character, at least I thought. We would stay up for hours at a time just talking about everything under the sun.
I vowed, because I am the mother of a 6-year-old son, that I would never move in with a woman, but eventually I did. I felt that I had met the woman that I would spend the rest of my life with. We had began to talk about a commitment ceremony that would take place in a couple of years. This was the first time that I had allowed myself to completely love someone unconditionally.
She experienced some major financial setbacks, which in my eyes was really not a big deal just a part of life. I am a very understanding person and I helped her see the brighter side of things during this ordeal. I assisted them by making the necessary phone calls, setting up appointments to resolve the matter and helped them a little financially, but more mentally than anything. I am with a person through the good times and the bad; I have always been this way. She stated to me numerous times that she would never forget how I was there for her.
Well, she managed to get out of this situation and her finances improved considerably. This is when all hell broke lose. The relationship immediately became disastrous. She accused me – all of a sudden – of being “controlling.” WOW! She felt that it was time for her to do some of the things that she used to do based on the fact that her friends stated how much she had changed since the two of us became a couple. So, she began going out with their friends more and more, coming home at 3:45 in the morning – drunk! – and going to topless bars (which I did not agree with). I could not believe how much this person had changed (or the “real” her surfaced).
I asked her where were these friends when it really mattered the most? She felt that I was “throwing” it in her face about how much I helped her in their time of need. Her response to me was that she is grown and that she could do whatever she wanted to do and that she would never be put in a position to choose between me and her friends. Keep in mind that these friends were either single, going through terrible break ups or in toxic relationships. That was never my intention to make her choose; how silly does that sound? If we are in a committed relationship, where does the loyalty come into play?
She felt that I was controlling because I did not agree with her coming home at the wee hours of the morning. I felt that if we were in a relationship, your home should be your top priority, not to mention the fact that all these things were discussed and agreed upon before we moved in together. She did not even consider how this situation was affecting my son.
Well, now it has been a year since we went our separate ways, and I am still having a difficult time. I feel like I have been used. I completely understand that life is full of experiences and I always try to pull the good out of a bad situation but I still feel devastated. I do not “play house,” I take my relationships seriously (especially this one) and most importantly, I dragged my son through this horrific ordeal. To this very day, she blames everything on me (the control issue).
Meanwhile, in the midst of it all, I am stuck with a major five-digit debt (due to a broken lease), I had to start all over again with my son and I am left feeling quite angry at myself. She has not even attempted to have any contact with my son; this is even more devastating – no birthday call, no how is school going, no nothing! What type of person is this? Where did I go wrong? I would have thought that she would have at least offered to help pay this debt that we had together. While she is taking trips, I am doing everything in my power to make ends meet with my son. I am in need of your sound advice.
A: I certainly can understand how you feel used and angry. Other than the fact that you chose this woman, I really can’t see how you did anything wrong and were very kind to his woman – and how were you to know that she would do all this to you and your son?
I am wondering about the broken lease and her not helping to pay that. You didn’t mention in whose name it was. Do you have any legal recourse? You might want to check a lawyer about that. You might also want to get a roommate to help with the expenses.
In the longer run, I’m hoping you can let go of your anger as it will eat you up and affect your son in the process. You might want to consider some counseling to help you get through the anger so you can move on in life.