Cheater blames … me!?
Q: My boyfriend, “Jon,” and I went to this outdoor concert. It was one of those deals where you bring blankets and chairs and just chill. When we got to the concert, we saw a couple, “Tom and Dave,” that we haven’t seen in a long time. Jon asked them if they wanted to hang with us. They did; so we shared our food that we brought and we’re having a good time – until Dave started flirting with Jon.
At one point, I asked Jon to come with me and walk around a bit. I told him that I didn’t appreciate how he and Dave were flirting with each other. Jon said that he wasn’t flirting, he was just “goofing around.” But, finally, he said that he would stop it. Things went on well for awhile, at least.
Then, Tom asked if anyone wanted more food and drink. (They had food there that you could purchase.) Jon and Dave didn’t want anything, but Tom and I did so we took off to get the food and drinks. The trip to the concession was quite a long ways away and the lines were long, so it took some time. When we got back, Jon and Dave were not to be seen. We waited and still no Jon and Dave. I started to get worried about the situation.
Right next to us was an area of trees and bushes. I don’t know what made me think to go into that area, just a feeling I had. Well, the feeling turned out to be right on. I found them there going at it! The sight of it was so horrible for me; I screamed. That brought people into that area, along with the security people.
The result of it all was that Jon and Dave ended up in jail that night. Now, listen to this, Jon is mad at me for my screaming which, as he says, caused him to get arrested. He doesn’t even think to be contrite about what he and Dave were up to in the bushes. I don’t understand this at all. I’ve decided to leave Jon. I can’t deal with this, but I need to try and understand why Jon would be upset with me, instead of what he did? I’m hoping you might be able to help me understand this.
Don’t Get It
A: Jon’s tactic was to focus on your screaming that led to his going to jail because he is trying to divert the blame to you, instead of his behavior that caused your scream and was the real cause that sent him to jail. In short, he was trying to make you the bad guy, and try to divert your attention from what he was doing in the bushes. I have to say that it was pretty pathetic. For him to think that he could get away with that says to me that he has a serious character flaw, and your leaving him was a smart move. I’m sorry for your pain in all this.
Reader responds to caretaker’s letter
Readers: In the July 31 Between The Lines a writer talked about the difficulties of being a caretaker. Here’s a reader response:
Response: My heart goes out to Tim’s caregiver. My partner of 29 years died from complications of kidney cancer on June 12, 2000. I was Jim’s primary caregiver for the 17 months after diagnosis. I thank God that Mt. Diablo Hospital and Jim’s physician put us in touch with a support group. Jim’s group was for patients and mine was for caregivers. We were the only gay couple. That did not matter; we were warmly accepted. The groups were a lifesaver. Also, my faith grew tremendously, through prayer I got through many tough situations. The power of prayer is real; I saw and I lived it.
On at least three occasions Jim had a close brush with death. Do not be afraid to ask friends and family for assistance. Yes, we lost several friends when Jim got sick – but those who remained were solid. I was alone in caregiving for most of the week, but I was able to take a three-hour break on weekends when a friend would come by to sit with Jim. My employer was very supportive with time off. As Jim got sicker I resigned to care for Jim full-time. It’s been eight years and not a day goes by that I don’t think about Jim.
My one desire was for someone to cook me a meal, so simple but hard to come by. Eleanor Roosevelt was quoted as saying, “God set aside a special place in heaven for caregivers.” I believe it, and to Tim’s caregiver, I say: Hang in there.