Is she cheating?
Q: I have been with my girlfriend, “Joey,” for 15 years. I think we have a pretty good relationship, especially since we have been together for so long. The problem is that recently she doesn’t seem interested in having sex any more. This has been going on for about a year or so. I’m not quite sure when this started happening but I think it is around the time she became best friends with
Now, I don’t have proof that she and Sarah are sexually involved, but my gut tells me they are involved. She spends lots of time with Sarah, and I am never invited to join them. Sometimes Sarah comes to our house and spends the evening or has a meal with us; and when she is here, even though they don’t do anything outwardly sexual, it is like I don’t even exist. I mentioned this to Joey and she says I am just being paranoid.
I ask Joey if anything is going on and she says that it isn’t, that it is just my imagination working over time. I feel like I have lost Joey but can’t really get mad or grieve because she says nothing is wrong. She keeps saying that this is my imagination. I feel so hopeless that I can hardly function yet I keep being told it is just my imagination. This has never happened in our relationship before. We used to have a great sex life and I could never imagine not trusting Joey, but right now I don’t trust her. I think she is lying to me. What do I do? If nothing is going on, why do I feel like this? And if they are involved, how do I find out for sure? Please answer as soon as possible as I feel like I am going crazy.
A: I hear the desperation in your letter. I know you said you asked Joey if anything was going on and she said there wasn’t, so the next step you need to take is tell Joey what you are feeling and why you are feeling that way. Give her concrete examples of her not returning your affection, lack of sexual appetite, your feeling ignored when Sarah is around, and the amount of time they spend together. Let her know you are not accusing her of anything, but you are worried about your relationship. If nothing is going on between her and Sarah, then it’s time for the two of you to find out what has changed in your relationship. If the two of you can’t do that on your own, I suggest a couple’s counselor. Good luck.
Grossed out by threesome
Q: I’ve been with my girlfriend, “Melissa,” for two and a half years. We get along great, have lots we like to do together, and I thought things were going good. So you can just guess how blown away I was when Melissa told me that she wanted to be part of a threesome. Not just a threesome, but one that includes a male. I have no desire to be in a threesome with two other women, but I’m really turned off about having a male involved. (I’ve been there and done that with a man and it was not pretty.) Not only do I not want to be involved in that because I want a lesbian, couple relationship, I am really turned off by the fact that Melissa wants that. I mean that she must have a fantasy about men when we’re having sex. That grosses me out, big time.
When I told Melissa that I was not interested in such an arrangement, she agreed not to bring it up again and said that it was OK with her. But now, I’m left with knowing she wants that and that turns me off. I don’t feel like having sex with her now. How can I get rid of this image?
A Penis Between Us
A: Fantasies are just that, fantasies. We all have them and they enhance our sex lives. Melissa may well be turned off by your fantasies if you were to share. I suggest you rethink what a fantasy is and let go of having to judge Melissa’s. Melissa was respectful enough to tell you what she wanted and when you didn’t want to be part of that, she agreed not to do it. There is a lot to admire about that.
P.S. Some couples share fantasies and find it helps their sex lives.