Dear Jody

Was transition a mistake?

Q: Oh my God! I just don’t know what I am going to do. I think I have made a huge mistake and I don’t know what to do about it. I saw a TV program the other night about people that had transgendered and then decided to go back to their original gender. Well, I couldn’t believe that there was any one else out there like me. I, too, feel like I made a big mistake by having a gender change. I was born female and always thought I wanted to be a boy and also believed I would be happier if I were one. I truly thought that God had made a mistake with me.
A little background: I got married right out of high school, had two children, and then the marriage ended in a divorce. Actually, I started dressing like a male a lot when I was in my late teens, but it wasn’t until about five years ago that I made the decision to transition – that was after my divorce. I started taking hormones and started dressing and living as a male.
I lived as a male for two years and then decided to come out to my family. My parents weren’t too hot on the idea but they weren’t really surprised, either. They have been sort of supportive, but we are not really as close as we once were. My aunt has been an angel, supporting me in whatever makes me happy. My children were young when I started living as a male and it didn’t seem to bother them to call me “daddy” instead of “mommy.” My ex has been supportive of my continuing to have custody of my children; I have been so grateful for that.
I was in therapy during the whole time that I was going through the transition two years ago. At that time, I decided to have the surgery to make all my parts match my gender. This was very expensive as well as difficult, but I felt it was important to have this done to feel like a man. It took a long time to recover but I felt it would be worth it. I have lived a gay life style as I am physically attracted to men, not women.
My family has all accepted me as a male; my kids think I am their dad; my boss and co workers have no ideas about my sex change (I started working there after the surgery). My life and friends are in the gay community. I don’t know if I can continue living as a man. I want to be a woman again, but I don’t know how to make the change back. I also have no breasts, and I have a penis and can’t afford more surgery. Who is going to want me? Help. What do I do?
Wrong Body, Again

A: Wow, you have a dilemma. My advice is that first you don’t do anything until you get back into therapy and start looking at why you made these major life changing decisions when they really don’t appear to have been right for you.
Many times folks make decisions thinking that if things could just change they would be happy. This can involve things like: moving to a new location, finding a new lover, getting a new job or, perhaps, as in your case, having a gender change. The problem is you always bring who you are and your problems and issues with you no matter where you go or what you do. This may or may not be the case for you.
I can’t say too emphatically: Do not do anything right now, continue living as a male, go back into therapy (someone who specializes in gender issues), and see if you can find out what’s going on with you. Take your time. This is no time to rush into another sex-change decision (If you need a referral for your area, let me know). Take care.