Dear Jody

He’d be perfect – without porn

Q: My boyfriend “Brandon” and I have been together for almost eight months, but we don’t live together yet. The reason why I have not committed to moving in is because of a nasty habit Brandon has, and that I don’t approve of. Brandon has so many good traits and is very cute, that’s why I have hung in there with him.
His problem is that he gets on pornography Web sites. This bothers me a lot and I have asked him to stop. He said that he would stop after the new year. In fact, when we celebrated New Year’s Eve, he toasted to quitting, along with a few other New Year’s resolutions.
I, of course, have to pretty much take his word for it because I don’t live with him. However, yesterday I went over to his house (I have a key) to wait for him to come home from work. We had planned a dinner out and he knew I was going to be at the house waiting for him. So, I was there with his permission.
Brandon was later than he thought he would be in getting home, so I decided to get on his computer and check my e-mail. While on his computer, I happened to notice where he has been – since Jan. 1 – on the Internet. You have probably guessed already what I’m about to reveal. He has returned to porno sites! Not just once – like a one-time back-slide, mind you – but many times. I was befuddled, and then as his duplicity sunk in, I became disappointed. Brandon had assured me that he was keeping his New Year’s Eve pledge of not getting on porn sites. I can’t tell you how upsetting that was to me.
I tried to think what I could do to get him to stop. Certainly, begging him to stop and getting him to make a resolution to do it wasn’t working. I didn’t know whether to confront him or not, and what good it would do if I did. I finally decided not to tell him that I knew that he was cheating and then lying to me about it.
Now, this is where the problem comes in: I have a very good relationship with Brandon’s mother. She and I see eye to eye on most things. So, I decided to tell his mother what he was doing. I knew that she wouldn’t approve anymore than I did. And, of course, she didn’t. She called Brandon and let him have it – but, good.
Now Brandon should have known that he had it coming and just dealt with his dishonesty and immoral behavior, but no, he calls me and tears me a new one. Can you imagine that!? He says that he has had it with me and doesn’t want to ever see me again, let alone be in a relationship with him.
I really do love Brandon and just want him to stop his bad behavior. He would be perfect if he did. I also don’t want to lose the friendship of his mother. As I said, we get along really well. How do I get Brandon to understand that telling his mother was a last resort to helping him be a better person?
Just Wanting Him to Change

A: I think that Brandon has seen a red flag, and you are it. I don’t get how you think that calling a man’s mother to “tell on him” is going to endear you to him in any way. You complain about Brandon being deceitful; what do you think you were being snooping on his computer and calling his mother? I would think that Brandon might be also getting tired of your moral superiority. If Brandon had been the one writing to me, I’d advise him to stay far away from you. You get no sympathy from me.